Sometimes the first step is the hardest.

Hello lovers.
Quite a lot has happened in the past couple of months.
My business is booming (thank god)so I've hardly had any time to do anything for myself.


The "girls" and I went to visit our friends from my hometown and had a great time.  They love hanging out with my best friend since they're so bonded to him, it's always been a constant balancing act between their emotions and mine...sometimes I feel like I'm going to be crushed under the pressure. But lately things have been rather manageable considering that in the past I didn't make it to work on time, I was "outed" regularly by my alters, all of it was incredibly stressful.


On a good note, my relationship with my husband is better than ever. I can confidently say that I love him even more than the day I married him which I thought to be impossible.  We're so happy together and I'm comforted by him and his gentle nature in times of strife. Our one year anniversary is next weekend and I can't believe it's already been a whole year! I guess I'm not a newlywed anymore...but I am happily married.


I had been getting calls from my mom and when she finally left a message I decided to call her back.
I'm glad I did though emotionally it was hard to process everything she told me.
I found out that my Aunt tried killing herself on my birthday this year (my dad's sister), and then her son (his nephew) tried killing himself a couple of weeks ago...sliced his wrists to the bone...now the doctors say he'll never have the use of his hands again. :(  As for his mom, my aunt...she's incoherent...no one can reach her...the loss of my grandmother in June crushed her. My grandmother and her lived in the same house together for her entire life...so not having my grandmother there with her is extremely traumatic for her...really for all of us.
On top of that...my father has been diagnosed with cancer...and from all the stress of his family dying around him one by one all in the same year...and the fact that I'd stopped talking to them..his job tried getting him to quit...the combination of everything just caused him to lose grip of his life...he just lost it...
He's now getting wasted every night just like he used to do when I was a kid...comes home piss drunk unable to function.
If he doesn't kill himself he could kill someone else by drinking and driving. I'm scared for him. I love him...and I need my Dad. I'm not ready to lose him...not now...not yet.
Please pray for him. I have a feeling we're going to need all the help we can get.


I'm going to call my Dad today...to catch up with him and offer some support...as I know he needs someone to help him through all of this and I'm his only daughter...his only child...and he does care about having me in his life.
This is just the first step...I'm so much stronger than I was 6 months ago, I feel I've grown more in the past 6 months than in the past 2 years...and I'm ready to have a different family dynamic. I love my parents and I want all of us to have a loving, supportive relationship.


-Divided Mind-

Missing in action

I should've been home on time.  I should have been home before my husband even left his job for the day...but I wasn't.
In fact, it would be fair to say I don't know where I went or for how long.
I feel like I was heading home from my friend's house and had almost reached my home, then I blinked and it was dark and I was in familiar city and parking lot at almost midnight.


That's what a day can be like with alters.
No matter what you have planned or who's on board when you plan it, there's always a 50-50 shot you won't be there for it.


I finally trudged through the door just before 12 and was met by a worn out husband who looked like he hadn't slept in a decade.
I told him to go to bed...then sat down at my computer trying to put the pieces together...mostly because this behavior from the alters is actually alot more rare now and I wanted to know what was going on.
I sit at my computer hoping one of them will begin typing on the keys and leave me a note to read when I "come back" so that I can tell my husband and deal with things.
An hour later I find out that Anya (she's deaf) got shoved out somehow and she didn't know how to get home or use the GPS and for some reason she was locked out so no one could take her place.
It sounds like she just kept driving until she saw something familiar, oddly, she picked the last parking lot she had been in a year ago...
This entire time though she didn't text my husband, so he was just worrying not knowing what was going on an awful ordeal for someone to have to go through.
It's things like this that I know can destroy even the strongest marriage. 
No one can run on adrenaline forever, eventually you crash.
For me, I feel truly fortunate to have the husband that I do, he balances me out but still allows me to be who I am and is supportive to a fault.  I will always fight for him, because I love him, even if the alters don't.
I hope the efforts we've made with the alters to partner with them instead of direct them will pay off.
Sometimes it's just like all we want to do is wave the white flag and tell them not to shoot...we just want peace and a working relationship with them since we know they will always be part of our VERY real life.
I don't want them just dipping out of my life whenever they feel like it either though, especially while I'm trying to write a book and run a business it simply isn't an option as a professional.  
No one from my job has ever known I had D.I.D. and at this point I need to keep it that way, since I know the response wouldn't be a positive one for various reasons...but living with this alone can be even harder than telling people.
I do have a close network of friends who know in addition to my husband, but most of my closest friends are unaware of the alters.  Those who do usually do because they were there during some debacle or event that "outed" us.
It's hard living with this, I don't feel that anyone can really truly be accepting of D.I.D. because of all the turmoil it can cause without warning.  
I've never met anyone else with D.I.D. so I don't know if a long term relationship is realistic or not.  This thought process is scaring me.
-Divided Mind-

"The whole Adre thing" ---

A few confessions.
I'm not straight, never have been. I'm bisexual, really, completely equal opportunity lover.
It didn't start in college after a few drinks too many in a dorm room during some stupid party....nope.
The people I care about most know, the people who understand me, respect it, and I'm comfortable with who I am...now.





My interest in the fairer sex has been there even before sex was relevant in my life.
While most college girls ran around saying they were wondering if they were lesbians or bisexual or something stupid like that I didn't want to get in on the "sexual trend".It was my best kept secret because no one suspected me at all, I lived like any other straight girl....most of the time. I didn't have any interest in shitting where I ate if you know what I mean.  
That's all I needed, a distraction from college while training to maintain a 4.0 with alters.
Then there's always their lovely late-night agendas that for the most part remain a blurry haze or complete mystery to me.
Before college and before the boyfriend who remains the ex my alters are still in love with, I can recall only one person I was actually ever truly, deeply, in love with.
Her name was Adre.
Today was the day I have been putting off ever since her death...the day I decided I was going to try to write about her...
Writing is therapeutic but for this...for her...words just...they don't measure up to her memory let alone the person she was.

She was an only child like I was, we spent almost all of our time together right from the beginning, sandbox buddies, instant friends.  She was like my security blanket, my #2, there was never anything either of us did without the other.
I remember the day she told me she loved me...we were 13....sitting on her back porch...her parents had just left us on our own while they picked up milk from the corner deli.  She looked at me...she just...her face was breathtaking.  Gorgeous.  She looked at me and took my hand in hers and kissed it saying "I love you...always have I always will...but no one can know how we feel...." Then she leaned in and kissed me. 
First kiss...what an incredible high that generates....like everything is warm and stiff all at once. We sat there, just leaning up against one another until her mom came home and quickly shifting the mood back to childhood playmates.
We both knew our parents, white catholic small town families....no way we could ever admit what we felt, to anyone, acknowledging it between us was enough for me though.
A couple of years pass...I've moved, she's so far away we're glued to our phones and our parents got a long distance plan.
I remember feeling jealous, of her first boyfriend...what an asshole, but there I was jealous...of him...because he had her.
She would always tell me when she knew no one could hear her that she still loved me, she wished we could be together...alot of the time I felt hollow without her near me.
The next time I saw her, her boyfriend and her had just broken up, he'd cheated on her with another girl, apparently someone she knew over Christmas break.
I was determined to make her feel better, though I can't remember a time I felt more torn.
Mostly I just wanted to get her out of the house and spending time with the people who cared most for her.
One night we went to bed and cuddled up underneath the covers, I remember she was staring at the ceiling and I asked her if she was okay...she told me she was but there was something she needed me to know...then she kissed me...this kiss was different...she held on to me and we just continued to kiss...running my fingers through her hair, she just melted into me...it was perfect.
Before I returned home we agreed that we wanted to give "us" a chance but not before we were out of high school...away from the drama that ensued daily.
In the meantime, she went back to that asshole, hoping she could help him with his issues.
We all warned her, me, her family, all of her other friends...everyone...we told her to just let him go and stay away...but she wouldn't listen...she couldn't see that he didn't want to change.
One night I get a call and find out she's been in a car accident.  She was rushed to the ICU and had internal bleeding...3 days later...she was dead after her "boyfriend" brought in his new girlfriend to meet his current girlfriend while she was in intensive care in the hospital.
It was infuriating. He walked away from the accident with just a fine and a sprained wrist...she ended up dying because he ran a fucking stop sign, he knew it was there, but he wanted to play games with Adre to scare her.
There's a special place in hell for him.
Now, several years later (to protect her identity and that of her family I won't say how many years it's been)...I find myself still thinking about her wondering what she would say to me...I miss our connection...I wish we had had our chance....but I know she sent my husband to me, that she wants me to be happy.
Life is too short.
-Divided Mind-

Bliss....?

This past week was the absolute longest week of my life.  Everything sucked about it. Everything, and I'm not exaggerating. 
Went to court in an effort to fight a bullshit ticket I'd been written only to find out it was just a day they round up a bunch of people, feed them a video to scare them out of pursuing their case, make you sit for four hours, then tell you come back in two months to do it 2 more times at your expense.  I mention the "your expense" thing because they recently passed a law here that cops will be compensated for their time and if they aren't scheduled to work at the time of your court date you get to pay THEIR overtime. Disgusting isn't it?
They make it as drawn out and painful a process as possible for the citizen so that you just throw up your hands and give up. Time is money.  Who has 3 extra days of work off? No one.  Anyway. The entire court thing was a joke.
Next topic.

Right now I feel like I'm lacking stability, I feel like I need to accomplish so much to prove myself to...everyone...or at the very least, myself.
I feel restless, anxious, and I decided to do something about it.  Lately I've been trying to do breathing techniques, take some "me time", do things that I enjoy, cleansing my life of negative energy.
I want to live my life lighter, less bogged down by the trials and tribulations of work and home.  I have also begun to commit myself to dealing with my demons from the past.  Every single box of memories filled with traumatic events, pain, anger, frustration, abuse...
For now, I'm doing this on my own, mostly because the alters hate going to Dr.'s and I try and avoid causing needless turmoil in our family.
The alters trust me enough to know that I'm not trying to get rid of them and that I'm simply trying to process the things in my life that I've blocked out and shut myself off from.
The weight of the past has finally slowed me down and is, in my opinion, the reason I struggle so much now with dealing with stress. 
I'm always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop out from the sky and fuck up my world, as if freaking out about it helps anyone.
I've got a long way to go but each day I take an hour to myself to either de-stress by writing, painting, reading, etc. or talk myself through what I remember from the past. 
I let myself cry, I ask my alters to write to me and tell me about the things I've blocked out in order to deal with it...whatever it takes to deal with it and move forward.
I have to say, each day I feel like I've lost another 10 pounds of baggage off my shoulders.  It's liberating!
The hard part is, at the end of the day I'm so tired I can barely sit up and lately my husband has been getting on my nerves.  I love him, but recently he's been about as useful as a third nipple and we keep squabbling over stupid crap. Gah.  It leaves me feeling sad and uneasy just because I'm working soooo hard to deal with things and then at the end of the day I'm pissed at the one person I care about the most. 


And if all of that wasn't enough, last week ended up costing me money that I should've been making but people just flaked on me and unfortunately I didn't get paid.


I guess I'm hoping that if I write all this crap down that I'll be able to let it all go and give this week my all.
*deep breath* 
*breathe out*


And voila ! You all have been part of my processing ...process....thingy.
I should probably rename this "journey" I'm attempting to go on...I'll work on that.
-Divided Mind-

The pieces are into place but this blog is going to connect the dots for all of us.

I know for a fact that it isn't just me who wants a baby right now...that "they" are the reason my brain and body don't sync up.
In my brain I know it isn't the right time to have a baby, that I want more things squared away in my life so that I can devote everything to my child in the future.  Right now I just want to be a little bit selfish and have money to spend on a house and making it the perfect nest for us.  
I want to go to Europe and be debt free. Not in that order of course. 
I want to have a house of our own that we can make perfect.  I want to paint the walls, buy new furniture....just be married for a while.  Enjoy sleeping in because SWEET JESUS I LOVE SLEEPING IN. 
I want to enjoy being successful in my business and life for an extended period of time.  I want to avoid being torn down by my health, an accident, a life changing event and the like...
I just want to live my life for a change, just my life, not what's left after a giant catastrophe.
I'm good, great even, at taking the fragments of a life and putting them back together into something worthwhile yet humble.  But I don't want to play "Let's make the best of it"...I want things to be about "us" for a while.


I want the girls to focus on their lives right now, not on creating a life.
As it is...I have issues that need to be dealt with, I don't feel it's fair to bring a child into the world until they have been.
I've decided a few things, actually me and "the girls".
No baby right now...it can wait a while.
The goal right now is to pay off the small amount of remaining debt and then buy a house.
Set down roots north of where we live right now.  I don't want to move out of this state right now because things are just now starting to become lucrative for me again.  Why start over again ? Right now? When I don't HAVE to? No. No thank you.  We can reevaluate moving ideas if something in our lives changes that forces us to look at moving as an option but for now we're staying here.
Target smaller area for work and meet my goal of booking a client every week within 14 months. Spend every single day with my horse once he's moved closer work through his issues.

I really feel like things have been sorted out and resolved at this point.  Time to take a deep breath and relax. 




-Divided Mind-

I'm accident prone....woopsies! :-O

It all goes back to the red heels.
Now ladies...doesn't it always?....
I believe the feminine world is separated into two categories: 1- People who WANT red heels 2- People who love themselves enough to already OWN red heels.  You're sexy and you know it, click your heels ;)


My husband and I decided to go out to dinner the other night and settled on "On the border" to be our menu option.   I decided to wear red heels....and...remember, I've just recently had surgery so, my ligaments still haven't strengthened up, so I SHOULD take it easy for a couple more months...or more. What do I do? I slip on a pair of flashy red peep toes with 6 inch stilettos.  YEAH I DID!.... Anyway...had a lovely dinner had fun with the hubby....paid the check I begin to get up and my knee doesn't feel stable...I can't take off the heels though because I'm inside a restaurant....so I proceed to try and tighten the muscles in my legs of which I have any control in hopes of making it to the car conveniently parked in the first row in a handicapped spot (that's right...I'm only in my mid twenties and yet here we are riding dirrrrtay in a "handicapable" spot.
Well...I don't make it...my knee slips and my left ankle and foot twist while the rest of me flops down fucking up in every other way possible.
I lay there....feeling nothing but unbareable screaming pain....
I attempt to stand up without heels a couple minutes later and end up falling back down.
I have no strength.
No ability to push through it....
My husband had to pick me up and load me in the car while I continued to cry from the pain.
Let's be clear, I don't normally cry...hardly cry at all....ever...
BUT THIS HURT.
Anyway...
I tell my husband to get a special type of bandaid and he gets the wrong kind and attempts to brush liquid bandage on my open wounds which made them feel like they were being cut and set on fire...I was SCREAMING in pain. 
Next day...
I realize that the left foot is still messed up and hurting alot.
I'm pretty sure I broke it but icing it and trying to walk on it as much as I can to work through it.  


I survived it and eventually got the right bandaids....as for the foot...it feels like something is definitely wrong. 


In other news, I took a pregnancy test.... Not pregnant....not that I really believed I was....but for a little while I was hoping I was.
It just wasn't meant to be at this point. 
Guess I'll just take care of the "girls" and focus on my horse like I had planned to.
-Divided Mind-

Babysitting

Today I'm babysitting my friend's son while she's at work.
We've been watching Cars, Bubble Guppies, and a LITTLE bit of Dora until I wanted to shoot myself. I hate that show.
Also caught a bit of the "fresh beat bands".  Seriously? Is this what television has come to?
What happened to the good old days with Saved by the Bell , lambchop, gerbert, sesame street!?!


Right now my charge is sitting quietly with his blankie watching t.v. and sucking on his thumb but about an hour ago he was meltdown city.  He's adorable, I love him.  He makes me want babies of my own.  I feel like I'm finally starting to get why people have kids.  It's taken me a while but the more time I spend with my friend's kids the more fascinated I become.


I'm kind of obsessed with being a mom right now, I'm hoping the feeling passes.  
I'm wearing my husband out haha.
Poor guy, all he wanted to do last night was go to sleep and I ...well...let's just say didn't let him get his full 8 hours.


I worry about the alters, I know Eve would be a good motherly influence, but Mac? She'd be trying to teach the baby fart jokes and rapping the ABC's.  Ava?....Jesus....Ava....that would probably be among the top five worst role models ever. 
I'm worried that someone would find out about them and try and take my kids away from me.
I know it's not the right time, that we need to eliminate the last bit of our debt at the VERY least first...and I would LIKE to go to Europe first just because that would be an amazing trip for us.  Every day I tell myself that I can wait, that it's not a good time for kids, that I still have so much I want to do, and by the end of the day I'm jumping my half asleep husband.
Right now we're using protection but it's like my head is telling me one thing (NO BABY) and my body's screaming another(BABYBABYBABYBABY). I'm too young for my biological clock to start ticking so what's the deal? 


When I see my husband taking care of our friend's kids it reminds me that he's going to be an amazing father....and I'm just sunk. Before I know it I'm back on the baby train!  
Hopefully babysitting and the fact I've got a horse who still needs alot of work done will keep me busy enough to forget about having my own kids until we're financially stable. 
-Divided Mind-

Not sure what is going to happen.

I think I've reached a weird place in my life.  For the first time in a long time, I have no earthly idea what my future is going to look like.


I worry about having children because of the alters.  I don't want things to be any harder for a child in this world than they already have to be.  I've been thinking alot about having a baby lately, what being pregnant might be like, what having a child of my own would be like...


I'm still not speaking with my parents and haven't heard a thing from them since I was away on vacation.  When you don't call your kid on their birthday you're a shitty parent. Period.  I'm an only child for god sakes. It's the one day of the year that you two have to think about someone else...why is that so hard?  I still called them, I never ended the contact.  I even spoke to my mother out of respect for her on holidays, which by the way was me being the bigger person.
Then my dad dumps me for his wife.  Good job. I never asked him to take my side, but if my child was on the outs with my husband and he didn't want me to talk to them I'd pick up the cell phone in front of him and call them.  Nothing would ever be more important than my child not even my husband.
The more I think about becoming a mom the more disappointed and saddened I become over what they've done to me over the years.  I could call.  I could. I won't though because I don't want to be played with.  I am not interested in participating in their stupid head games.
I want more for myself and my family than that negativity.  They don't deserve to share in my life with my husband and the family we create.
I'm truly blessed to have amazing friends who showed me what true love and compassion was and have become the support system that I depend on.


I'm not sure if we're going to stay in this state or go on an adventure to a new place next year, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to see my friends again, I'm not sure where my business is going to be, I'm not sure what we're doing for Christmas, I'm not sure about alot of things.


It's going to be really interesting to see what happens and where I am in a year.
All I know is that I want things to change and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't become stagnant. 
-Divided Mind-

From Eve: to the world.

None of these fonts work. 
Hello All! This is Eve.  The "mother" of the group. Right now our "host" your friend... is having a bit of an emotional set back.
I mean you can simply imagine because she's given you a  brief solo version of "our" past.  It's interesting the way I watch her live her life in an attempt to better herself and the world around her.  
Large undertaking though it may be. 
Here we are though, here, I'm having to cover for the person for whom I do the covering. 
She just needed a break, and things were going well for a bit which helped, but her husband's right, she needs more positive feedback than most because she never had any at all barring negative whilst growing up with that beast of a "mother" she was sent to.  They don't (her parents)...they don't have any right to be close with her, she's too precious, they too self absorbed and careless. It would never work. 
But right now, our host has forgotten how to come back...she's a bit lost...I can't feel her inside like I normally can. 
Although, as the day has gone on she becomes ever more present within us.  We can see her, feel her, talk to her, but she can't respond to us...at least...not yet. 
If I could talk to her at the moment I would certainly assure her that things would work out just fine explain the bullet points as to how we got here...but she's forgotten about 8 years. Just. Like. That.
We're all fighting to resolve the issue, her husband and friend included...in the mean time I've been covering for her.  Driving, eating, socializing, resolving.  But I have to say, it's exhausting to "be her". I'm too far out of practice and I'm not a spring chicken any more, I can't just make it on the fly any more. She's more now, our "host" I mean. She's changed. Matured. Flourished.  So she's more complex than ever to handle a believable persona. No...not for me...not anymore. Now it's left to our younger girls to handle the situational messes. I'll handle the paperwork, the hugs, the food, just ... take care of the in between crap. 
Please don't be alarmed, this HAS happened before, we can handle it just fine between all of us that love her. We're all completely capable. 
I just thought you might want to get a glimpse of what a "crisis" would look like in our lives these days. How we, the "alters", "handle things".  
God only knows what we might see this evening. Saturday night? No babysitter? That SCREAMS damage control.
(sigh) 
Ah well, for those of you still with "us" congratulations you made it ! Welcome to our private lives!
    *eVe*

My day to day.

It's unfortunate that I don't have a family to turn to that I'm actually related to by blood. And that from now on my life is going to be different without them.  But it was time for a change.  If my father called me today I would answer and just be like "really?? really?? what would we have to talk about after what you did, the games you're trying to play with my emotions and my life, you know what? Fuck you. I've given you too much of my time already." 


Lately all I can think about is getting pregnant, I want to be a mother, start a new chapter in my life.  I know I'd be a great mom, that I'd give my child what a parent should give of themselves and to a baby to raise it. 
I know in my head that it's not the right time, but my body and my blood seem to crave the idea of getting pregnant.
It's as if my biological clock just tripped into overdrive. Crazy? Yeah I think so. 
There are several things I want to accomplish BEFORE becoming a parent.  So why in the world is my head making me crazy about it? I know the "girls" want a baby...I think that's part of the problem too...they're pushing their agenda onto me.  Not allowing me to think clearly...to remind myself about things that I feel need to be done before having a kid. 
Ideally I won't get pregnant until next year, like in summer time or something. 


Here's to hoping this baby fever will wear off soon! 
:D

Numbing the pain...and having a great time doing it.

I have had an off week. I'm finally letting go of all of the expectations I had for my life.  For my life as it's defined by others.  Officially and presently flying by the seat of my pants.
Everything has been a stressful mess ball for a while now.  I was bound to become burnt out. There wasn't another solution or option.   Perhaps I'm not depressed, in fact I doubt that I am.  Perhaps I'm just in need of complete freedom from the stresses of life.  Just a deep breath and a few hits of smoke and I'm whisked away from the tragedy, the family that isn't a family, from reality.
About time, I've been trying to find a way out so hard my mind gave me "personalities" to help me make the trek up the mountain.  But they are so busy lately all I feel I have the energy for is to sleep.  I'm meeting strangers who already knew one of "me" ...it's scary.
They're making "friends" with too many people, I can't keep them straight nor can I pretend to be them in order to escape or understand...because I have no idea how they act or come across.  What is offensive to the stranger in front of me?  What words should I be exchanging with him? How can I get off of the roller coaster? How can I maintain peace and balance in my life? Is that even possible here? For me? No.  Never.
Strange as it may seem sometimes it's a relaxing feeling to know if I'm having a horrible indescribably difficult day...it will soon end.  I'll fast forward. Blink. And then it's over...the pain is gone, and the day is done.
Eve is in love with someone, a female stranger I know she'll try her best to avoid me ever meeting so as to deter me from having the chance to end their tryst.  Mac is becoming more independent every single day and is always her best source of entertainment material. 

Ava will never feel truly at ease with any series of circumstances I will try to erect...her lust will not be slaked.  OE takes the word "living" to the extreme, testing limits and pushing her way through society like a bull in a China shop. 
So you can see, easily I'm sure...why I am so drained, so completely ready for an emotional vacation.  I'm giving in and letting the alters have their time out so I can get some deep seeded rest and a lighter sense of living.  Nothing will be poisoned by time, money, or emotions....complete isolation from time itself.
Freedom.
-Divided Mind-

The latest but far from the greatest.

I didn't expect much from my father...and I never asked anything of him than just to be my dad.
I realize that he doesn't understand or care to understand why I've severed ties with my mother.  I've never asked him to take my side as my father nor have I asked him to try and get my mother to "fix" things between us.
I just wanted a relationship with him and for him to respect my decisions no matter what they are or why I've chosen them.
Well, my birthday was two days ago, and over the years (24 of them to be exact), my parents ALWAYS called together on my birthday. Always.
It's for this reason and in an effort to be the better person that I continued to call my mother on Easter and on Mother's Day when I didn't owe that to her.  I did it because I loved her and cared for her feelings, more than my own as history has shown.
On the morning of my birthday when I didn't see that they'd called I assumed both of them were busy and they would call later...that evening I was beginning to feel like they weren't going to call and that ended up opening up a whole discussion with my husband as to our feelings on the subject.
I haven't spoken with my father since he told me to make up with my mom while I was on vacation after his mom passed away.  He told me he would call in a couple days but never did.
And the worst part about all of this is they BOTH know my birthday, if they forgot the one day in my entire life that affected them then that's even worse, but I know they haven't.
It took a concerted effort NOT to call.  And my father by not calling me on his own has really shown me that all the years I spent trying to make things work with my mom in order to have a relationship with him was really truly a waste of time.  If my husband EVER EVER told me not to call my kid on his birthday I'd pick up my cell phone in front of him and call to make it clear that come hell or high water my child comes first. End of story.
But this is a very clear gesture that he's thrown in his lot with her and taken a side, her side, instead of choosing to have a relationship with his daughter.
It's really disappointing. I didn't see this coming because of the efforts I had made to call on holidays to my mother that I didn't expect them to give me a slap in the face like this.  I was unprepared.  I purposely didn't send the letter I wrote to them just to avoid something like this so there literally was no provocation at all.
It really was the nail in the coffin for me.
I expected more from my father, more than he's able to give me, which is unfortunate.  It's unfortunate because I have my whole life ahead of me to live, an entire future with my husband that I wish I could share with my dad...and maybe at some point with my mom...maybe.  They're in their 60's so it's not like they're knocking on death's door either and so they will have to live every single day without having the joys of being in their grand kids lives. And it wouldn't be because I want to stick it to my parents but rather because if they can't respect me and have a relationship with me then I'm not going to allow them to spend time with my children.  If I can't trust them to respect our rules and simple respectful boundaries then there's nothing I can do.


I hope things improve for us in the future but in the meantime I've got Jeff's wonderful family to lean on and who love me and support my husband and I.
I also have wonderful friends who are supportive and who remembered me on my birthday which was a welcomed surprise.  
Thank God for them, it really helped me survive what would normally be quite an emotional breaking point.
I'd also like to thank all of you out there, your support does not go unnoticed and is truly deeply appreciated.
-Divided Mind-

The letter. Please let me know what you think!

Dear Mom & Dad,

I’m writing to you because I think it’s time that I said a lot of things to both of you.

I want to start by saying I do love you both very much and that the situation we’re in isn’t how I wanted things to be, though I feel that there was no other option.

Mom, there are so many things that I love about you, but over the years you have said some pretty damning things to me, things that have caused me a lot of pain.  You have also used my affection for you against me by manipulating me and those I care for including Mark and Greg.  Any time I’ve ever reacted to the things you’ve said you would turn to Mark or Greg and tell them that you couldn’t believe my behavior and were so sorry that they had to see that. 

You’ve brought up the Kentucky trip numerous times even though I’ve made efforts to move forward.  I’ve even told you that when you bring it up it upsets me. 
When you said you were going to leave because of what I’d said to you when Pat was around I have to say I was relieved. All because you couldn’t oblige me in crating a dog when I’d asked you to in order to prevent him from destroying the wood floor I’d just repaired a week earlier.  The one and only rule I asked you to follow while I was gone and you refused saying that you knew better.  It was a slap in the face and proved that you didn’t respect me or what I had to say.  Then when we were coming home from the trip all I wanted to do was to sit for a few hours in the car with my boyfriend while I ate the only meal I would’ve had all day long.  You were fine all day and at the very end just decided that you didn’t want to drive and decided to blame it on your arm.  We both know that wasn’t the reason, the reason was, you didn’t want to drive, you didn’t care that I was exhausted and needed to rest.  I’m bringing this up as a single example as to what I’ve dealt with from you over the years.  It doesn’t upset me to hear about the trip because I feel what I did was wrong as much as the fact that you created that situation.  You willfully took a position against your own daughter knowingly subjecting me to hunger, physical pain in my back, and emotional torment all the while smiling and laughing about it.  I never, ever, had it out with you like that before, but I just couldn’t take the games you were playing any longer.  So whilst you think I just went crazy, really it was that after years of abuse, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Then one Christmas I took you out for your birthday for high tea, just you and I.  I felt close to you and I’ve always wanted us to have the sort of relationship that we could both enjoy.  Through our talking I told you what I had felt about everything from growing up with you to what I was dealing with at the time.  I was always trying to seal the gap between us.  And we had a heartfelt talk and you admitted to things that you’d done that hurt me for the first time in my entire life.  I really thought that after that things would be different.  But as time went on things eventually went back to the way they used to be.

On many calls you would say things that anyone would have been offended by and most of the time I tried letting the conversation continue as if I hadn’t even heard it though I was angered or hurt by it.  Some times, you would call and say things I knew you said because you thought it would start a fight and in my moments of weakness, I would give you exactly what you wanted…but not anymore.  And I know all of this isn’t in my head because my husband and friends have seen you do the same thing even on my wedding day.

I have to say that on the wedding day, my wedding day, you both crossed the line.

Mom, you tried starting a fight with me in a salon in front of Mark’s mother and my friends which was completely unacceptable.  Threatening Greg when I was out of ear shot by saying that if he didn’t make the “right” decision as to bowing out from walking me down the aisle with dad if I told him I wanted him to that you would cause a scene right there in front of everyone? Let me say something that should have been said before. That was unacceptable and completely wrong.

That day wasn’t about ANYONE except me and Mark. My husband.  No person on God’s green earth had any right at all to breathe a word of what they wanted or thought was right. Period.  You had absolutely no right to tell me what to do or to threaten the people I love.  And frankly, I’m glad that Greg told you that he wasn’t going to leave my side unless I asked him to.  Greg has always been there for me and I wanted him with me.  He is the one person who stood by me while I was dying, the only person.  I felt no support from either of you at that time and that’s why I felt that letting him walk me down the aisle along with Dad was what was right for me.  That’s what I wanted.  It wasn’t about you, either of you.

Dad, when you came to me in the dressing room and told me you were going to bow out from walking your only daughter down the aisle if Greg was going to do it with you I was really shocked.  I told you that you could just do it because I didn’t want Mom to cause a scene.  But you were doing the very same thing I hated from Mom, you were manipulating me and I was frankly surprised since I hadn’t known you to be like that before.

Until now, I hadn’t brought any of this up because I didn’t want to upset either of you, to ruin the memory of your daughter getting married in any way. But I need to stop thinking about everyone else all the time and take care of myself.

When I came for Christmas this past year I did so because I wanted to be close to the people who mattered the most to me, I wanted to be near people who knew Uncle Ray and loved him like we all did.  But most importantly I wanted to be there for you, Dad.  I’ve always wanted to be close to you, for us to have a special relationship.  I feel that since I’ve left home I have gotten to know you better, and I do feel that we’re much closer now than when I was growing up and I’m thankful for that.  It’s because of the relationship that we had that I continued to foster a relationship with Mom, because I didn’t want to lose you and I didn’t want you to hate me or turn me away.  But at this point in my life I need to make changes. 

I failed a stress test months ago before my surgery and my doctor told me that if I didn’t seriously change my life I was going to need a new heart in 10 years time at the max.  I wouldn’t get one either, not with my medical history, I wouldn’t even make the long list.  So I have made changes, a lot of changes to improve my life and my quality of life. 

I know that you both think that what happened with the money a few months ago is why I stopped talking to Mom, but it’s not, that was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. What happened with our accounts being garnished completely shook up our world and then acting like it had nothing to do with you the night I called? I just lost it. And I think anyone would have.  Your response was “wow, I didn’t know they could do that…that is really awful”.  When I told you it was your responsibility to fix it, to make things right you simply said “Hey, I’m in the same boat you’re on your own”.  You didn’t offer any type of support at all while me and my husband had our hands tied.  When I told you our accounts were going to be overdrawn you just said that that’s how life is for you all the time.  The problem with that line of thinking is that we didn’t put ourselves in that situation. You put us in that situation.  Now I am thankful that you later did what you did to fix things but had you said that’s what you were going to do in the beginning we wouldn’t have had the blow up we did that night.

For me, it was a breaking point after having spent years of pain and anguish leaving me emotionally bankrupt.  Let’s face it, Mom, you say things that cut a person deep and you don’t care when you hurt someone, not enough to change it at least.  I subjected myself to it, and to the manipulation, but that isn’t healthy and it isn’t right.  I even found myself apologizing to you and extending the olive branch on numerous occasions in an effort to salvage a relationship over the years only to later endure the same situations again and again. Since you refused to stop, I had to end communication between us.  It wasn’t a decision I came to out of anger, it still isn’t. I’m doing it to protect my feelings, my husband, and my heart.

Now Dad you’re asking me to make up with Mom because it’s what you need.  I’m sorry that you’re torn, that this has affected you the way it has but I cannot jump back into a relationship that will go right back to the way it was.  Right now I don’t feel Mom has changed because she doesn’t seem to understand why anyone is even upset with her.  I don’t know that she ever will, and if she doesn’t I know our relationship will be the cost of that.  While I don’t ask you to support my choice I do ask that you respect it.  This isn’t about you, it’s between me and mom.  I would be happy to talk with you and continue being part of your life but unless I ask about Mom, I don’t want to talk about her with you.  I’m an adult now, there have to be boundaries in relationships and while I love you both with all of my heart I will not allow anyone to guilt me into making any choice anymore.

Mom, I love you, and I’m truly sorry that things have gone the way they have.  I want things to change, I want you to be in my life, I want to be part of yours.  But things need to change for that to happen.  You need to own the mistakes you’ve made, to be honest with yourself and think about what I am saying.  You need to be supportive of me and the fact that we may not always agree and you may not like what I have to say but you can’t say something hurtful to get what you want.  You need to stop telling me how “things are” and that I don’t know anything because I’ve not reached your level of maturity or I’m being “dramatic”.  When I do something nice for you don’t open old wounds and ruin it just enjoy it in the spirit of which it’s given.  If we’re going to move forward you need to make a concerted effort to respect the boundaries that I’ve set and when I tell you no, to let that be the end of it even if it’s not the answer you wanted.  I don’t want to have to worry you’re just going to do it anyway or that you’re going to corner my husband and try to get him to come to your side.

I want to be able to trust you and you will have to earn it back one day at a time.

I want you to think about everything I’ve said and to understand that this isn’t the behavior of a spoiled teenager, but rather a last ditch effort to try and get both of you to understand where I’m coming from, and why.

I hope that things in time will heal, that we can finally be the family I wish we were.

Mom, if there is anything that you would like to say you can write to me via email or snail mail as I feel that is a safe way for us to communicate.  This way both of us can say what we want without being in the heat of the moment. Right now I feel that talking about things like this on the phone will end up in an argument and further unresolved issues.  I often feel that when I tell you that you’ve crossed a line or upset me that it falls on deaf ears and is ignored which only causes me more pain.  I hope that you both can understand that I’m not coming from a place of hatred toward either one of you, but rather a place of deep seeded emotional pain that needs to heal.
 

I love you both very much.

Thanks...Dad.

My father wants me to make up with my mother.
I called him a few days ago before I came home to see how he was doing the day after the funeral...to see if he liked what I wrote for my grandmother.
On the receiving end all I got was an earful of yelling. He told me that this situation is too much for him now and he's had enough. He said he's given it some time and space and now it's "not working for him anymore".  I did alot of soul searching on my week long getaway. I wanted to figure out where to go with my marriage, how to get my thoughts collected, deal with my grandmother passing (which I learned of while I was on said getaway.), figure out why I was having intimacy issues...everything.
After speaking with my dad I just sat and cried.  Nothing has changed, my mother certainly hasn't.  She doesn't get that our problems go far beyond one incident. She also had caused me constant stress and eventually burnt me out emotionally.
I know my dad has been through a traumatic time with his mother leaving this earth, but giving me an ultimatum isn't the way to settle things.  I have already tried fostering a relationship with her for YEARS when she was treating me like crap, on a daily basis. So that I didn't have to be separated from my father.  But now that I'm free of her manipulation and emotional/physical abuse, my life is BETTER. 
I want a normal mom, the type you can call when you're sad, that you can visit and shop with, tell your secrets to, learn from, but the mother I have is only the motherly type with people she feels are less fortunate than us.  She was horribly abusive to me growing up and yet somehow found it in her heart to treat my friends like the children she never had.  Doing all the wonderful sorts of things that you would do with your own child.  Bonding.
Right in front of my face. It was torture. I think had I not seen that I would have been able to accept that she just was the way she was and didn't know any better, but then to be Mrs. Cleaver with some stranger's kid with me watching on in the background...it's really heart crushing.
As an adult, I need to set standards for myself, for my family, for the life I'm trying to build, and it's time to draw a line.
It doesn't do anyone any good to be put through hell, to be beaten down and I won't be a victim any longer.
My mother may love me in her own way, but she's not a sane person, she's not a healthy woman.  She needs help, doesn't believe she does, and has made no attempt to change.  All me going back to her will show her is I wasn't serious and everything is just fine after all.
Until this past year I didn't know my father had a manipulative bone in his body.  He told me at my wedding that if I didn't let him walk me down the aisle by himself he was just going to "bow out" when he knew I wanted my "man of honor" to walk me down the aisle too.  Taken by surprise and in an effort to avoid a fight, I gave in.
Now, he's trying to tell me that if I don't make nice with my mother he's going to sit down with me and my husband to settle things.  That he isn't going to stand for us not taking her calls any longer.
So, I called my husband's mom.  To get some clarity, to remind myself that I've done the right thing. She was wonderful, truly the emotional support I've been lacking in my life. After speaking with her I've decided to write to my father and mother as I mentioned earlier in an effort to express why we are where we are and that what's going on with my mom has nothing to do with anyone else including him.
Here's to hoping this clears up the gray areas.
-Divided Mind-

Back from the dead

How life has taken me from my beloved blog for so long is just WRONG! 
Recently things have gotten a little crazy...
I just started back to work so that's keeping me busy...just got BACK from a trip to visit friends from my old home town...and my grandmother died 2 days ago.


My grandmother passing is something I'm not ready to deal with or talk about yet so I'm just going to let that be the big elephant in the room for a bit.


On the trip the alters spent time with my friends, made some friends in the building I was staying in and allowed ME some time for ME.
Which was nice of them. I had really been through alot lately even before my grandmother passed.  My husband and I are struggling emotionally because of the alters and it's just difficult.  I know my husband wishes the alters didn't exist and fuck so do I at times because my life will never be "simple" but...I love him and I want to make things work between us...all of us.
I will never be someone who's an individual, I will always be divided...but it's because of my alters that I've survived what I have and continue to live my life.
I'm not saying things are perfect, that would be a lie, but I do try to keep a balance between everyone.  I think I've just hit a wall and I can't juggle anything anymore.  I'm tired. Very. VERY. Tired.
I told my husband tonight that I didn't want to talk about everything that's on my mind right now until I know how I feel about everything and what I want to do next.
My father is all upset because of course he just lost his mom and now he's telling me that he wants me to "fix" things with my mom.
I'm sorry...I love him, and I love her, but I can't just go back to the way things used to be with her abusing me.  She hasn't changed, nor does she want to, and I can't foster a relationship with someone who's controlling and poisonous. 
I think I'm going to write them both a letter and tell them what I'm really feeling and why we are where we are.  And additionally, what it will take to repair things, though I'm not sure at this point there's much hope for that just because she hasn't and won't change.
She cares more about strangers than her own fucking family...which to me is just...sad.
I've not written the letter yet but if I do maybe I'll post it here to see what all of you think.
Anyway...sorry this isn't a particularly great post but I did want to bring everyone up to speed. 
More to follow.
-Divided Mind-

"The one that got away" (and should have STAYED away!)

That's what this guy called me.The one that got away.  Doesn't every girl want that ego boost at least once in their life? Hah, not so fast ladies.
I recently started using Skype. I'm sure alot of you do...but for me, this is a big step and frankly I just didn't know what I was doing when I set up my account.
What happened was I ended up clicking through things without really reading what it was doing when it came to adding people through my email account.  Thinking nothing of it I simply "click click click click click..." the next day I find a message from a guy I used to hang out with.  It said "I'm sure it was a mistake that you added me but I'm glad because I would really like to catch up with you, I never liked the way things ended between us."
Truthfully, I couldn't really remember why we had stopped speaking...and from what I could remember it simply seemed like we just lost touch. 
I wish I had remembered why we'd stopped talking because then we wouldn't be in the awkward situation we are now in...or rather, I'm now in.


So I began catching up with him, telling him about my life since we stopped talking and he shared some of his with me as well.  He noticed that I was married and told me he was happy for me.  He told me he too had gotten married and divorced in the time since we'd last seen one another.  He elaborated that he'd married his wife who he didn't love at all because he could feel his age creeping up on him and as if true happiness was unattainable.  They were married for a VERY short time and divorced amicably though he did say he believed she was having an affair.


Then I asked him why he stopped talking to me, why he never attempted to mend things between us.  From what I could recall of the situation, he went out of town right around the time of my birthday. Before his trip he was telling me he was in love with me, we called one another constantly and saw each other regularly, but I was not in love, nor would I have called us a couple.  
I was very forthcoming about my position, newly out of a bad breakup I was ready to have fun and go out with everyone and do anything.  I was a free spirit and no one was going to tie me down no matter what they had to offer.
So, he went off on his trip and all the sudden, no call, no texts, no responses, nothing.  
When he came back into town I happened to catch him on the phone and he was acting pretty distant but said he wanted to take me out for my birthday to which I agreed.  After that? Nothing.  At all.  Suffice to say I was confused, couldn't understand how a guy could go from hot to cold so easily so I assumed he had someone else he was more interested in and simply let him go.  Later on I had to ask him for my house key back which he sent back dutifully, no note, no "hey, I wanna be friends..." nope. Nadda. 
Well I can take a hint.  Frankly I didn't lose much sleep over it because not to toot my own horn but I was a hot commodity at that point in my life to both men and women and no opportunity was going to be wasted.


Let me remind you, this is why I THOUGHT we stopped talking.


The conversation continues and after I tell him that I had figured that he'd found someone else he stops and says "no not at all, I was deeply in love with you and I didn't feel like it was mutual, I felt like your ex was changing your mind about me and when you tried talking to me I got defensive."  Then he tells me he thinks his ex wife cheating on him and their marriage falling apart was karma because of how things went with me. 
He tells me that I'm the one that got away.
So here I am, both in shock and completely confused.
Being stupidly curious I ask why he never called, why he never wrote me, showed up at my door with flowers...anything to show that he cared.
He told me he'd thought about it a million times, bought me gifts he never gave me, and has been keeping tabs on me from a distance via my work website.  Uhhh....what? Did this just cross the creepy line?


The conversation took a hard left turn when he told me that he was still in love with me now and that he knows he's missed his chance at true love.
Now, I feel like an asshole, a skype-tarded asshole. Not only did I ruin this guys life, but now, by accidentally contacting him I've reopened old painful wounds...great job killer.
Being easy on people is really not part of my personality when I feel I've been wronged, if I'm being 100% honest.  You fuck up my shit and we're going to have a problem.  But in this case, I didn't feel I had been at least, not from what I could remember.
I tell him I want him to be happy, to find someone amazing, and get back to his life because I'm simply not worth losing sleep over.  He's told me that he doesn't ever think he'll love anyone like he did me again.  That tons of priceless memories he has are the ones including me.  I reiterate that he can find happiness if he's truly open to it and I hope for his sake that he is.
He asked me if I was still in love with him (didn't have the heart to tell him I never really was, though I did care for him I wasn't in love so for that part he was right).  I told him that no I wasn't and that I loved my husband.
He told me that he was happy for me but I know that's a lie he's telling me and himself.  He asked me what I wanted from him and I told him just to be friends (if that.). 


So at the end of the conversation I get a text message from him telling me goodnight.  How the f*ck did you get my number?! Oh...skype. FML.
Figuring he'd lose steam by the morning I went to bed hoping he'd forget about everything from the night before.  
Well he didn't but apparently it was revelation day and I was just about to get a bitch slap from the past.


I wake up and start thinking about my talk with this guy, mulling everything over in my brain...and then BOOM it hits me.
This is the same motherfucker that date raped me.  THAT'S why I never sought him out or intended to talk to him at a later point.


Before I know it I'm somehow aware that I'm not ...out.  I can't tell where I am or who has taken my place but I know I'm gone.  And the memories of what happened are flashing through my head like a film playing on fast forward.  A friend at the time and I went to a party to which we invited this guy to.  While I was out on the patio talking to some of our friends the guy begins talking to the girl I came with telling her about our "relationship" and then shares a story about how he got me drunk without me knowing and "that was the first time we made love".  My friend said she had a bad feeling about it but didn't want to lead on that she was uncomfortable and since I told her everything I could remember to tell her on an hourly basis she KNEW I wasn't having sex with any guy at that time whatsoever.
She pushed him for information as gently as she could and in the end he told her that him and I were upstairs sharing what I thought was only a bottle of wine but was actually 2 (ha. ha. fuck you asshole.) and each time I left the room to do something he would refill my glass without telling me.
To my knowledge I'd only had 2 glasses of wine and with the way I was drinking at that time 2 glasses would NOT have gotten me anywhere near drunk.
All I remembered from that night was drinking a couple glasses of wine while watching a movie and then the next day I woke up fully clothed in my own bed and headed off to work. That's it.
My friend breaks up the conversation with him and then heads outside practically running me over and hauling me into the bathroom by my purse.  She spills the story to me and I just felt my heart stop and then jump start racing.  All I wanted to do was leave, I didn't want to confront him, see him, hear his voice, I was feeling like a caged animal and I was ready to run.
My friend told me to grab her boyfriend and head to her car and she'd tell him her boyfriend was sick or something and she was my ride so he didn't know anything was wrong.  That night I didn't sleep, I felt sick, and the nausea lasted straight through to the next afternoon.  Then the "film" stops.
I'm back out.
At that moment nothing felt safe.
I'm pacing in my living room trying to think of a good way to avoid ever hearing from or dealing with this man again.
The stuff he was saying that the night before had made me sad now made me feel trapped and as if he's some psychopath whose been following me via my work website.  He knew where I lived without me telling him, made a comment about navigating in this area being very difficult...now I'm scared. Terrified even.
Because now that I'm talking to this person he thinks whatever happened between us is now water under the bridge because I was nice to him, talked to him, told him things...fuck fuck fuck. 
Now he's texting me and IMing me regularly.
Here's my biggest issue with this man, he's extremely computer savvy, could certainly handle hacking into my computer if he wanted to, he has money, his own business he could leave to come "visit" me at the drop of a hat....and now I'm on his radar.
I'm afraid that if I stop responding he'll know somethings up, though I am keeping responses short and rigid, but if he figures out somethings up I worry he will show up at my door wanting to take me away and ride out into the sunset together.
It's times like these I wish I couldn't block out memories.  
Would have saved me a lot of panic and advil.
Right now my only focus is to try and fade back out of his life as if we never found one another again so he doesn't lose his mind and come here.  I'm also telling the alters to stay away from him because he doesn't know I have alters to begin with so any niceties exchanged will only make things worse.   


So that's what's been going on in "our" life. 
-Divided Mind-