Thanks...Dad.

My father wants me to make up with my mother.
I called him a few days ago before I came home to see how he was doing the day after the funeral...to see if he liked what I wrote for my grandmother.
On the receiving end all I got was an earful of yelling. He told me that this situation is too much for him now and he's had enough. He said he's given it some time and space and now it's "not working for him anymore".  I did alot of soul searching on my week long getaway. I wanted to figure out where to go with my marriage, how to get my thoughts collected, deal with my grandmother passing (which I learned of while I was on said getaway.), figure out why I was having intimacy issues...everything.
After speaking with my dad I just sat and cried.  Nothing has changed, my mother certainly hasn't.  She doesn't get that our problems go far beyond one incident. She also had caused me constant stress and eventually burnt me out emotionally.
I know my dad has been through a traumatic time with his mother leaving this earth, but giving me an ultimatum isn't the way to settle things.  I have already tried fostering a relationship with her for YEARS when she was treating me like crap, on a daily basis. So that I didn't have to be separated from my father.  But now that I'm free of her manipulation and emotional/physical abuse, my life is BETTER. 
I want a normal mom, the type you can call when you're sad, that you can visit and shop with, tell your secrets to, learn from, but the mother I have is only the motherly type with people she feels are less fortunate than us.  She was horribly abusive to me growing up and yet somehow found it in her heart to treat my friends like the children she never had.  Doing all the wonderful sorts of things that you would do with your own child.  Bonding.
Right in front of my face. It was torture. I think had I not seen that I would have been able to accept that she just was the way she was and didn't know any better, but then to be Mrs. Cleaver with some stranger's kid with me watching on in the background...it's really heart crushing.
As an adult, I need to set standards for myself, for my family, for the life I'm trying to build, and it's time to draw a line.
It doesn't do anyone any good to be put through hell, to be beaten down and I won't be a victim any longer.
My mother may love me in her own way, but she's not a sane person, she's not a healthy woman.  She needs help, doesn't believe she does, and has made no attempt to change.  All me going back to her will show her is I wasn't serious and everything is just fine after all.
Until this past year I didn't know my father had a manipulative bone in his body.  He told me at my wedding that if I didn't let him walk me down the aisle by himself he was just going to "bow out" when he knew I wanted my "man of honor" to walk me down the aisle too.  Taken by surprise and in an effort to avoid a fight, I gave in.
Now, he's trying to tell me that if I don't make nice with my mother he's going to sit down with me and my husband to settle things.  That he isn't going to stand for us not taking her calls any longer.
So, I called my husband's mom.  To get some clarity, to remind myself that I've done the right thing. She was wonderful, truly the emotional support I've been lacking in my life. After speaking with her I've decided to write to my father and mother as I mentioned earlier in an effort to express why we are where we are and that what's going on with my mom has nothing to do with anyone else including him.
Here's to hoping this clears up the gray areas.
-Divided Mind-