"The whole Adre thing" ---

A few confessions.
I'm not straight, never have been. I'm bisexual, really, completely equal opportunity lover.
It didn't start in college after a few drinks too many in a dorm room during some stupid party....nope.
The people I care about most know, the people who understand me, respect it, and I'm comfortable with who I am...now.





My interest in the fairer sex has been there even before sex was relevant in my life.
While most college girls ran around saying they were wondering if they were lesbians or bisexual or something stupid like that I didn't want to get in on the "sexual trend".It was my best kept secret because no one suspected me at all, I lived like any other straight girl....most of the time. I didn't have any interest in shitting where I ate if you know what I mean.  
That's all I needed, a distraction from college while training to maintain a 4.0 with alters.
Then there's always their lovely late-night agendas that for the most part remain a blurry haze or complete mystery to me.
Before college and before the boyfriend who remains the ex my alters are still in love with, I can recall only one person I was actually ever truly, deeply, in love with.
Her name was Adre.
Today was the day I have been putting off ever since her death...the day I decided I was going to try to write about her...
Writing is therapeutic but for this...for her...words just...they don't measure up to her memory let alone the person she was.

She was an only child like I was, we spent almost all of our time together right from the beginning, sandbox buddies, instant friends.  She was like my security blanket, my #2, there was never anything either of us did without the other.
I remember the day she told me she loved me...we were 13....sitting on her back porch...her parents had just left us on our own while they picked up milk from the corner deli.  She looked at me...she just...her face was breathtaking.  Gorgeous.  She looked at me and took my hand in hers and kissed it saying "I love you...always have I always will...but no one can know how we feel...." Then she leaned in and kissed me. 
First kiss...what an incredible high that generates....like everything is warm and stiff all at once. We sat there, just leaning up against one another until her mom came home and quickly shifting the mood back to childhood playmates.
We both knew our parents, white catholic small town families....no way we could ever admit what we felt, to anyone, acknowledging it between us was enough for me though.
A couple of years pass...I've moved, she's so far away we're glued to our phones and our parents got a long distance plan.
I remember feeling jealous, of her first boyfriend...what an asshole, but there I was jealous...of him...because he had her.
She would always tell me when she knew no one could hear her that she still loved me, she wished we could be together...alot of the time I felt hollow without her near me.
The next time I saw her, her boyfriend and her had just broken up, he'd cheated on her with another girl, apparently someone she knew over Christmas break.
I was determined to make her feel better, though I can't remember a time I felt more torn.
Mostly I just wanted to get her out of the house and spending time with the people who cared most for her.
One night we went to bed and cuddled up underneath the covers, I remember she was staring at the ceiling and I asked her if she was okay...she told me she was but there was something she needed me to know...then she kissed me...this kiss was different...she held on to me and we just continued to kiss...running my fingers through her hair, she just melted into me...it was perfect.
Before I returned home we agreed that we wanted to give "us" a chance but not before we were out of high school...away from the drama that ensued daily.
In the meantime, she went back to that asshole, hoping she could help him with his issues.
We all warned her, me, her family, all of her other friends...everyone...we told her to just let him go and stay away...but she wouldn't listen...she couldn't see that he didn't want to change.
One night I get a call and find out she's been in a car accident.  She was rushed to the ICU and had internal bleeding...3 days later...she was dead after her "boyfriend" brought in his new girlfriend to meet his current girlfriend while she was in intensive care in the hospital.
It was infuriating. He walked away from the accident with just a fine and a sprained wrist...she ended up dying because he ran a fucking stop sign, he knew it was there, but he wanted to play games with Adre to scare her.
There's a special place in hell for him.
Now, several years later (to protect her identity and that of her family I won't say how many years it's been)...I find myself still thinking about her wondering what she would say to me...I miss our connection...I wish we had had our chance....but I know she sent my husband to me, that she wants me to be happy.
Life is too short.
-Divided Mind-