Not sure what is going to happen.

I think I've reached a weird place in my life.  For the first time in a long time, I have no earthly idea what my future is going to look like.


I worry about having children because of the alters.  I don't want things to be any harder for a child in this world than they already have to be.  I've been thinking alot about having a baby lately, what being pregnant might be like, what having a child of my own would be like...


I'm still not speaking with my parents and haven't heard a thing from them since I was away on vacation.  When you don't call your kid on their birthday you're a shitty parent. Period.  I'm an only child for god sakes. It's the one day of the year that you two have to think about someone else...why is that so hard?  I still called them, I never ended the contact.  I even spoke to my mother out of respect for her on holidays, which by the way was me being the bigger person.
Then my dad dumps me for his wife.  Good job. I never asked him to take my side, but if my child was on the outs with my husband and he didn't want me to talk to them I'd pick up the cell phone in front of him and call them.  Nothing would ever be more important than my child not even my husband.
The more I think about becoming a mom the more disappointed and saddened I become over what they've done to me over the years.  I could call.  I could. I won't though because I don't want to be played with.  I am not interested in participating in their stupid head games.
I want more for myself and my family than that negativity.  They don't deserve to share in my life with my husband and the family we create.
I'm truly blessed to have amazing friends who showed me what true love and compassion was and have become the support system that I depend on.


I'm not sure if we're going to stay in this state or go on an adventure to a new place next year, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to see my friends again, I'm not sure where my business is going to be, I'm not sure what we're doing for Christmas, I'm not sure about alot of things.


It's going to be really interesting to see what happens and where I am in a year.
All I know is that I want things to change and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't become stagnant. 
-Divided Mind-