"The one that got away" (and should have STAYED away!)

That's what this guy called me.The one that got away.  Doesn't every girl want that ego boost at least once in their life? Hah, not so fast ladies.
I recently started using Skype. I'm sure alot of you do...but for me, this is a big step and frankly I just didn't know what I was doing when I set up my account.
What happened was I ended up clicking through things without really reading what it was doing when it came to adding people through my email account.  Thinking nothing of it I simply "click click click click click..." the next day I find a message from a guy I used to hang out with.  It said "I'm sure it was a mistake that you added me but I'm glad because I would really like to catch up with you, I never liked the way things ended between us."
Truthfully, I couldn't really remember why we had stopped speaking...and from what I could remember it simply seemed like we just lost touch. 
I wish I had remembered why we'd stopped talking because then we wouldn't be in the awkward situation we are now in...or rather, I'm now in.


So I began catching up with him, telling him about my life since we stopped talking and he shared some of his with me as well.  He noticed that I was married and told me he was happy for me.  He told me he too had gotten married and divorced in the time since we'd last seen one another.  He elaborated that he'd married his wife who he didn't love at all because he could feel his age creeping up on him and as if true happiness was unattainable.  They were married for a VERY short time and divorced amicably though he did say he believed she was having an affair.


Then I asked him why he stopped talking to me, why he never attempted to mend things between us.  From what I could recall of the situation, he went out of town right around the time of my birthday. Before his trip he was telling me he was in love with me, we called one another constantly and saw each other regularly, but I was not in love, nor would I have called us a couple.  
I was very forthcoming about my position, newly out of a bad breakup I was ready to have fun and go out with everyone and do anything.  I was a free spirit and no one was going to tie me down no matter what they had to offer.
So, he went off on his trip and all the sudden, no call, no texts, no responses, nothing.  
When he came back into town I happened to catch him on the phone and he was acting pretty distant but said he wanted to take me out for my birthday to which I agreed.  After that? Nothing.  At all.  Suffice to say I was confused, couldn't understand how a guy could go from hot to cold so easily so I assumed he had someone else he was more interested in and simply let him go.  Later on I had to ask him for my house key back which he sent back dutifully, no note, no "hey, I wanna be friends..." nope. Nadda. 
Well I can take a hint.  Frankly I didn't lose much sleep over it because not to toot my own horn but I was a hot commodity at that point in my life to both men and women and no opportunity was going to be wasted.


Let me remind you, this is why I THOUGHT we stopped talking.


The conversation continues and after I tell him that I had figured that he'd found someone else he stops and says "no not at all, I was deeply in love with you and I didn't feel like it was mutual, I felt like your ex was changing your mind about me and when you tried talking to me I got defensive."  Then he tells me he thinks his ex wife cheating on him and their marriage falling apart was karma because of how things went with me. 
He tells me that I'm the one that got away.
So here I am, both in shock and completely confused.
Being stupidly curious I ask why he never called, why he never wrote me, showed up at my door with flowers...anything to show that he cared.
He told me he'd thought about it a million times, bought me gifts he never gave me, and has been keeping tabs on me from a distance via my work website.  Uhhh....what? Did this just cross the creepy line?


The conversation took a hard left turn when he told me that he was still in love with me now and that he knows he's missed his chance at true love.
Now, I feel like an asshole, a skype-tarded asshole. Not only did I ruin this guys life, but now, by accidentally contacting him I've reopened old painful wounds...great job killer.
Being easy on people is really not part of my personality when I feel I've been wronged, if I'm being 100% honest.  You fuck up my shit and we're going to have a problem.  But in this case, I didn't feel I had been at least, not from what I could remember.
I tell him I want him to be happy, to find someone amazing, and get back to his life because I'm simply not worth losing sleep over.  He's told me that he doesn't ever think he'll love anyone like he did me again.  That tons of priceless memories he has are the ones including me.  I reiterate that he can find happiness if he's truly open to it and I hope for his sake that he is.
He asked me if I was still in love with him (didn't have the heart to tell him I never really was, though I did care for him I wasn't in love so for that part he was right).  I told him that no I wasn't and that I loved my husband.
He told me that he was happy for me but I know that's a lie he's telling me and himself.  He asked me what I wanted from him and I told him just to be friends (if that.). 


So at the end of the conversation I get a text message from him telling me goodnight.  How the f*ck did you get my number?! Oh...skype. FML.
Figuring he'd lose steam by the morning I went to bed hoping he'd forget about everything from the night before.  
Well he didn't but apparently it was revelation day and I was just about to get a bitch slap from the past.


I wake up and start thinking about my talk with this guy, mulling everything over in my brain...and then BOOM it hits me.
This is the same motherfucker that date raped me.  THAT'S why I never sought him out or intended to talk to him at a later point.


Before I know it I'm somehow aware that I'm not ...out.  I can't tell where I am or who has taken my place but I know I'm gone.  And the memories of what happened are flashing through my head like a film playing on fast forward.  A friend at the time and I went to a party to which we invited this guy to.  While I was out on the patio talking to some of our friends the guy begins talking to the girl I came with telling her about our "relationship" and then shares a story about how he got me drunk without me knowing and "that was the first time we made love".  My friend said she had a bad feeling about it but didn't want to lead on that she was uncomfortable and since I told her everything I could remember to tell her on an hourly basis she KNEW I wasn't having sex with any guy at that time whatsoever.
She pushed him for information as gently as she could and in the end he told her that him and I were upstairs sharing what I thought was only a bottle of wine but was actually 2 (ha. ha. fuck you asshole.) and each time I left the room to do something he would refill my glass without telling me.
To my knowledge I'd only had 2 glasses of wine and with the way I was drinking at that time 2 glasses would NOT have gotten me anywhere near drunk.
All I remembered from that night was drinking a couple glasses of wine while watching a movie and then the next day I woke up fully clothed in my own bed and headed off to work. That's it.
My friend breaks up the conversation with him and then heads outside practically running me over and hauling me into the bathroom by my purse.  She spills the story to me and I just felt my heart stop and then jump start racing.  All I wanted to do was leave, I didn't want to confront him, see him, hear his voice, I was feeling like a caged animal and I was ready to run.
My friend told me to grab her boyfriend and head to her car and she'd tell him her boyfriend was sick or something and she was my ride so he didn't know anything was wrong.  That night I didn't sleep, I felt sick, and the nausea lasted straight through to the next afternoon.  Then the "film" stops.
I'm back out.
At that moment nothing felt safe.
I'm pacing in my living room trying to think of a good way to avoid ever hearing from or dealing with this man again.
The stuff he was saying that the night before had made me sad now made me feel trapped and as if he's some psychopath whose been following me via my work website.  He knew where I lived without me telling him, made a comment about navigating in this area being very difficult...now I'm scared. Terrified even.
Because now that I'm talking to this person he thinks whatever happened between us is now water under the bridge because I was nice to him, talked to him, told him things...fuck fuck fuck. 
Now he's texting me and IMing me regularly.
Here's my biggest issue with this man, he's extremely computer savvy, could certainly handle hacking into my computer if he wanted to, he has money, his own business he could leave to come "visit" me at the drop of a hat....and now I'm on his radar.
I'm afraid that if I stop responding he'll know somethings up, though I am keeping responses short and rigid, but if he figures out somethings up I worry he will show up at my door wanting to take me away and ride out into the sunset together.
It's times like these I wish I couldn't block out memories.  
Would have saved me a lot of panic and advil.
Right now my only focus is to try and fade back out of his life as if we never found one another again so he doesn't lose his mind and come here.  I'm also telling the alters to stay away from him because he doesn't know I have alters to begin with so any niceties exchanged will only make things worse.   


So that's what's been going on in "our" life. 
-Divided Mind-