Back from the dead

How life has taken me from my beloved blog for so long is just WRONG! 
Recently things have gotten a little crazy...
I just started back to work so that's keeping me busy...just got BACK from a trip to visit friends from my old home town...and my grandmother died 2 days ago.


My grandmother passing is something I'm not ready to deal with or talk about yet so I'm just going to let that be the big elephant in the room for a bit.


On the trip the alters spent time with my friends, made some friends in the building I was staying in and allowed ME some time for ME.
Which was nice of them. I had really been through alot lately even before my grandmother passed.  My husband and I are struggling emotionally because of the alters and it's just difficult.  I know my husband wishes the alters didn't exist and fuck so do I at times because my life will never be "simple" but...I love him and I want to make things work between us...all of us.
I will never be someone who's an individual, I will always be divided...but it's because of my alters that I've survived what I have and continue to live my life.
I'm not saying things are perfect, that would be a lie, but I do try to keep a balance between everyone.  I think I've just hit a wall and I can't juggle anything anymore.  I'm tired. Very. VERY. Tired.
I told my husband tonight that I didn't want to talk about everything that's on my mind right now until I know how I feel about everything and what I want to do next.
My father is all upset because of course he just lost his mom and now he's telling me that he wants me to "fix" things with my mom.
I'm sorry...I love him, and I love her, but I can't just go back to the way things used to be with her abusing me.  She hasn't changed, nor does she want to, and I can't foster a relationship with someone who's controlling and poisonous. 
I think I'm going to write them both a letter and tell them what I'm really feeling and why we are where we are.  And additionally, what it will take to repair things, though I'm not sure at this point there's much hope for that just because she hasn't and won't change.
She cares more about strangers than her own fucking family...which to me is just...sad.
I've not written the letter yet but if I do maybe I'll post it here to see what all of you think.
Anyway...sorry this isn't a particularly great post but I did want to bring everyone up to speed. 
More to follow.
-Divided Mind-