I've been trying to keep myself busy, interested in things other than the insane pain I've been in since the surgery. Today was the worst day of pain I've had since the surgery...it was excruciating. I took the pain meds, the muscle relaxers, tried to sleep, took advil, took a bath...
I tried everything and anything I could think of to try and cut the pain level down to a manageable level and in the end nothing worked. Throbbing. Razorblade. Car impaled. Pain.
It was a constant reminder that I have quite a ways to go before I'm able to do anything I would normally be able to accomplish. My days are all pretty much a blur and everything has seemingly begun to run together, emotions, days, thoughts...all in a blender set to puree.
I knew the surgery was going to hurt, I even knew that I was going to be stuck in a bed for a while, but dammit there's not enough t.v. to keep me busy all day and night. And if the crippled part doesn't suck enough, I keep getting visited by the fever fairy. Oh, and if THAT isn't enough I should be dealing with my Aunt Flo in the very near future.
The pain medicine simply isn't cutting it and I'm trying to cope as best I can. My mother in law has been staying with us to help take care of me and things around the house for a couple of weeks. I'm really, truly, grateful for her help because handling the dogs, cleaning, and my husband would prove to be a little out of my range of abilities right now. She's always available to help out one of her kids when they need it and my husband is her golden boy so clearly he gets priority in the family. Up until this week I was pretty convinced she didn't like me nor did she think I was good enough for her son, but now...well...I've changed my mind.
The thing is, my husband and I both lived in different states from our parents when we met, so we've only had a handful of times each to meet one another's family. And there have been a couple of times where things his mom has said has rubbed me the wrong way. Then during the wedding rehearsal I felt like an outcast around his family and finally broke down crying on the way to the rehearsal dinner. To feel like you're not good enough in the eyes of your husband-to-be's family is a little overwhelming. That night though my husband told his family how I felt and since then I have seen them all really trying to make me feel like I'm not the outcast I once thought I was. The best part about it is that even though everything with me physically at this point is a mess, it's given me the chance to get to know his mom.
We have some similar interests (other than her son) and I'm feeling a motherly warmth coming from her which actually makes me feel a lot better.
For me it's hard to connect with someone else's mom. Why? Because not only does my mother suck but the one mother I got really close to I ended up not really having in my life after I broke up with my ex..and let me tell you there is still a hole in my heart from that.
In a way I'm glad I needed the surgery because I don't know that I ever would have had this much time with my mother in law had I not gone through with it. Getting to know her and hearing stories about her life...it makes me feel safe about opening up to her. All of this couldn't have come at a better time with me currently on the outs with my mother it brings me a sense of peace and belonging. I'll still be cautious but I'm trying to break down some of the walls I've put up in order to move forward.
Here's the big catch to all of this though: she doesn't know I have D.I.D.
Frankly I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her for fear of what she might say or do after the fact. Keeping a secret from someone about something as big as this is anything but easy and I'm certainly not proud of having to do so but it's a matter of survival for myself and my family.
Between my husband and I we've explained to "the girls" that they need to stay in until the end of the night because we're fucked if someone blows our cover. They've been good to our knowledge and are giving us the space we need from them during the day. But it's not all sunshine and roses either...because if I can't switch with one of them that means I have to endure the pain fest all day every day at the very least until his mom leaves town over another week from now. I'd like to think that means we're all making sacrifices.
I think I can I think I can!
-Divided Mind-
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