Over the years the "girls" as I refer to the alters (yes I know there's one that's male but we never hear from him so I just refer to those which we have regular experiences with)have done a ton of things.
To date. This is still one of the funniest in my opinion.
Last year Mac decided that she wanted to take a women's self defense class. At the time she was already taking a private boxing class and had been told that she could only spar with the teacher because she beat the crap out of all the women (and men) in her class. Needless to say she really didn't need to take a self defense class but she thought it was necessary in case they covered something she hadn't already learned.
During the class their teacher would provide them with vivid imagery of what they could expect during an attack. Unfortunately, alters don't do imagery.
At some point he asked for a volunteer. Of course, most women are shy when it comes to volunteering so I'm sure the teacher's options were limited but there's one girl who will never fall into that category...lucky him.
Of course he picked Mac.
As she walked over to him he continued briefing the class on what he would be doing and then planned on telling them what they needed to do afterward.
Teacher: Okay Mac, I'm a rapist, now, try to defend yourself as best you can.
Mac: *suddenly extremely defensive*
Teacher: *grabs Mac from behind attempting to bring her to the ground* "Come on don't bother fighting or I'll use this knife"
Mac: *struggles for a moment trying to get her footing* "NEVER!!!"
Teacher: *laughing but keeping his grip tight*
Mac: *breaks her arms free, flips her body around to face him, knees him in the balls, upper cuts him in the head, and pushes his now nearly limp body to the floor*
Teacher: OKAY OKAY!
Mac: I'm NOT GOING TO LET YOU RAPE THESE WOMEN!!!!
(at this point I'm sure the teacher was most definitely a bit confused)
Mac: *body slams him* "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Teacher: EXERCISE OVER EXERCISE OVER!!!
Mac: *pins teacher to the mat on the floor*
Teacher: *plays dead*
Mac: *gets up and looks at all the shocked women in the room* "Any questions ladies?"
Eventually the teacher got up and for some reason decided it was a good idea to continue with class as if nothing had happened...a decision I'm sure he regretted in short order.
Teacher: Okay everyone, let's assume, once again, you're alone. Me and my friend here are ready to mug you as you're walking through a parking lot to your car. I'm going to take everything you have, and I have a gun.
(This time, the teacher thinks it best not to ask for a volunteer and selects a very meek looking woman. The exercise begins)
(Teacher and 2nd attacker descend upon aforementioned woman)
Woman: *screams attempting to play along*
Teacher & co.: GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!
Woman: "I don't have anything to give you!"
Teacher & co.: NOW!! OR I'LL HAVE TO USE THIS GUN! *Grabs woman*
Woman: *struggles unable to get free*
Now, mind you, this entire time the rest of class is just staring watching the exchange waiting to see if she's able to get free.
Well, clearly that wasn't what Mac thought to be the "right" thing to do.
Mac: *Pushes through the group of people and grabs onto guy #2*
Guy #2: (having previously seen what happened to his colleague moments ago decides to wave the white flag, so to speak...)
Mac: DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR A LIVING?! ATTACKING INNOCENT LADIES!??! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!! THAT POOR LADY THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING TO A SELF DEFENSE CLASS AND NOW YOU WANNA ROB HER?!!? WELL...THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN!
Guy#2: OKAY OKAY! I'LL LEAVE HER ALONE!
Mac: TOO LATE, SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE!! *puts him into a sleeper hold*
Guy#2: BUT IT WAS JUST AN EXERCISE!!
Mac: THIS IS HOW YOU EXERCISE!?!? MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO PORTLY!
*instantly drop kicks guy #2*
*Guy#2 stays down* Good decision.
(Mac runs over to damsel in distress)
Mac: I'll save you ma'am!
*Mac grabs teacher and throws him to the ground*
*Teacher gets pissed and decides to fight back* Bad decision.
Mac: ooooo kitty can scratch!
*Teacher grabs Mac and pushes her back to the floor*
Mac:I'll bet you thought you had it alllllll figured out...you were gonna rape and mug all these nice ladies here with this supposed self defense class. Well let me show you a little Texas Justice.
*Mac headbutts teacher kicks him off of her and then grabs him standing him straight up on the floor*
*Trips teacher over her leg and throws a right hook at him on his way back down to the mats*
Mac: BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THAT!!
*Mac restrains teacher*
"SAY YOU'RE SORRY!!!!!!!!"
*Teacher's voice is muffled from the mat* "I'm gsdfgdkjhasd"
Mac: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!
Teacher: *lifts head a little bit* "I'M SORRY!"
Mac: GOOD. CONSIDER YOURSELF NEUTRALIZED.
After this class Mac informed us that she was kindly asked not to return to this self defense class.
She then told my husband that she thought it was crazy that "these people are hiring rapists and muggers to teach these things".
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Why my house is better than your house.
I decided that today I was going to vanquish the anger from my blog.
This is most certainly thanks to my new maid service that I've just recently hired. To me, a clean house is pretty much like the orgasm that just keeps on giving. I'm serious. For the first time in my life about a two months ago my friend took me to IKEA for the first time and I am almost positive I came. Instantly.
But my husband...well...he's not as concerned with cleanliness as I am...or at all.
This led to many an argument in fact it was the only thing we argued about. Every time I cleaned the house top to bottom and some how (I don't know how) my husband and the dogs would trash it like a hurricane leaving me with the disheveled remnants. Even small things like doing the dishes he seemed to think was a 12 step program. And laundry? Forget it. He can wear the same pair of shorts that he's farted in, worked out in, slept in...for weeks. Yeah you're jealous I can tell.
I love my husband. Truly, deeply, love him. And that's why I decided to make our marriage better by hiring Elvira (badass name, no?).
She and two other ladies came to my house yesterday, an hour late. I almost didn't open the door because it pisses me off when I set an appointment with someone and they don't call when they're running late. But damn I'm glad I did.
They cleaned the house top side and bottom and organized, did the laundry, washed my sheets, made the bed, mopped, and now my house sparkles just like the models at IKEA.
Yeah bitches. THAT clean.
I was so happy today waking up to such cleanliness that I just totally forgot about all the bullshit in my life.
It was liberating to walk around and not see my husbands crap all over the place, dog toys everywhere, dust...all gone....ahhhh.....
I was so thrilled I just kept picking rooms in the house to sit down in just so that I could enjoy the cleanliness from every possible vantage point.
Now, my husband was totally against this, he hates spending money on a maid but even he admitted what they did in 4 hours he couldn't have done unless he took 2-3 days off work and did nothing else but clean the house.
We're not rich, we're a young couple just starting our lives as a married couple and I'm really not one of those stuck up bitches that can't wash a dish or use a vacuum. In fact, if anything I was the only one cleaning in our house...and that can get exhausting. It's me vs. him and 4 dogs. I have a full time job as a business owner and working with clients all over the place is tiring enough before getting home to a messy house that just makes me want to scream.
But oh sweet baby Jesus...when they finished cleaning my house I just wanted to hug them.
To them, that would have been totally weird, but for me it still wouldn't have expressed the pure manic high I was on...or maybe that was the cleaning supplies. They even arranged the food in my walk in pantry. I mean COME ON! Who does that?! Awesome people that's who...and they work for me.
So, every two weeks they're going to come, if my husband doesn't trash the house in two days which I don't think he's going to do because if he's going to spend the money on the help he isn't going to be quite as careless as he had been...or at least that's my prediction.
To continue with the aforementioned drugless euphoria, I went to the doctors office today for a follow up on my leg. He gave me the green light for starting physical therapy and even said I could go swimming now. Until I broke my leg before the wedding and then had this surgery I had been at the gym 6 days a week. Needless to say, I miss it and I need to build my strength back and get my bikini body back. Summers close but it ain't here yet and I'm ready to give myself to the gym gods.
Happy thoughts :)
-Divided Mind-
This is most certainly thanks to my new maid service that I've just recently hired. To me, a clean house is pretty much like the orgasm that just keeps on giving. I'm serious. For the first time in my life about a two months ago my friend took me to IKEA for the first time and I am almost positive I came. Instantly.
But my husband...well...he's not as concerned with cleanliness as I am...or at all.
This led to many an argument in fact it was the only thing we argued about. Every time I cleaned the house top to bottom and some how (I don't know how) my husband and the dogs would trash it like a hurricane leaving me with the disheveled remnants. Even small things like doing the dishes he seemed to think was a 12 step program. And laundry? Forget it. He can wear the same pair of shorts that he's farted in, worked out in, slept in...for weeks. Yeah you're jealous I can tell.
I love my husband. Truly, deeply, love him. And that's why I decided to make our marriage better by hiring Elvira (badass name, no?).
She and two other ladies came to my house yesterday, an hour late. I almost didn't open the door because it pisses me off when I set an appointment with someone and they don't call when they're running late. But damn I'm glad I did.
They cleaned the house top side and bottom and organized, did the laundry, washed my sheets, made the bed, mopped, and now my house sparkles just like the models at IKEA.
Yeah bitches. THAT clean.
I was so happy today waking up to such cleanliness that I just totally forgot about all the bullshit in my life.
It was liberating to walk around and not see my husbands crap all over the place, dog toys everywhere, dust...all gone....ahhhh.....
I was so thrilled I just kept picking rooms in the house to sit down in just so that I could enjoy the cleanliness from every possible vantage point.
Now, my husband was totally against this, he hates spending money on a maid but even he admitted what they did in 4 hours he couldn't have done unless he took 2-3 days off work and did nothing else but clean the house.
We're not rich, we're a young couple just starting our lives as a married couple and I'm really not one of those stuck up bitches that can't wash a dish or use a vacuum. In fact, if anything I was the only one cleaning in our house...and that can get exhausting. It's me vs. him and 4 dogs. I have a full time job as a business owner and working with clients all over the place is tiring enough before getting home to a messy house that just makes me want to scream.
But oh sweet baby Jesus...when they finished cleaning my house I just wanted to hug them.
To them, that would have been totally weird, but for me it still wouldn't have expressed the pure manic high I was on...or maybe that was the cleaning supplies. They even arranged the food in my walk in pantry. I mean COME ON! Who does that?! Awesome people that's who...and they work for me.
So, every two weeks they're going to come, if my husband doesn't trash the house in two days which I don't think he's going to do because if he's going to spend the money on the help he isn't going to be quite as careless as he had been...or at least that's my prediction.
To continue with the aforementioned drugless euphoria, I went to the doctors office today for a follow up on my leg. He gave me the green light for starting physical therapy and even said I could go swimming now. Until I broke my leg before the wedding and then had this surgery I had been at the gym 6 days a week. Needless to say, I miss it and I need to build my strength back and get my bikini body back. Summers close but it ain't here yet and I'm ready to give myself to the gym gods.
Happy thoughts :)
-Divided Mind-
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Outed...well sort of.
Is it just me or is it incredibly annoying when people decide to take your personal business and post it on facebook?
Then again...maybe I'm giving her a little too much credit. Afterall, most of what she's posted is bullshit. But it is simply shocking to me how a 20 year old girl and her PARENTS have taken it upon themselves to blast online about my personalities and how it's just some excuse to cheat on my husband and do other crazy shit.
Well, first of all, I have never and will never cheat on my husband. I love him, I need him, and he completes the picture that is my world and frankly she doesn't deserve to breathe his name. As for doing other crazy shit...well...now that may be true...after all...I can't really say talking to strangers in the middle of the night wearing a nirvana t-shirt stockings and jelly shoes isn't a bit crazy. But this is my life, my real, actual, life. My business. Mine. There are struggles, there are easy days and hard ones, and who the fuck are you to try and spread your hate of others on the internet for all to see?
Until now I had never met a family that had actually poisoned the minds of their offspring quite like this.
Until now I had never met a family that had actually poisoned the minds of their offspring quite like this.
This girl, if you can even call her that since she's turning out to be one hell of a shit head...lives at home with her parents...okay that's not too bad...oh but wait. So do her sister (an adult), brother in law, brother, niece, nephew, mother, father, and grandmother. And what's worse? They treat each other like shit. They have no friends, none of them. They hate everyone. In fact, the only time they're even nice to one another is when they're bashing other people and the "psychos" they seem to always meet.
I was always nice to them, though I know the shit they said behind my back and this girl, my friend at the time, told me they were like that with everyone.
I offered her a place to stay to get away from them since she says she hates them so much.
I took care of her horses for her, took care of her when her boyfriend and her broke up, gave her money, took her places, had her in my WEDDING, introduced her to my friends, got her hair done for her, took her out to meet guys. Did everything I knew how to do to be a good friend to her.
Unfortunately, this girl does not have one single original thought. It's pathetic. But what is really the most surprising to me out of all of this is that she can so easily trash me and my personalities as if it's public knowledge and as if this is pay back for the ways in which I've "wronged" her.
It's things like this that make me regret ever opening up....ever.
Not because of what she's saying because I know she's drowning in the ignorance that is inherited apparently, but because she's talking about my personalities at all.
There are tons of really personal fucked up things I could tell her family and work about her that would really shake them up and fuck her life up...but yet, I didn't.
In fact, I've made every effort to just forget about her, entirely. The fact is, she's never going to have any real friends because she lets her family fill her head with bullshit about the evil outside world and all of its scummy inhabitants. Oh yeah, that's us, all of us according to them.
I've gained tremendous patience and restraint over the years due to people like this. I can thank the alters for that. But not all of my parts have such abilities. I mean of all the people you could pick a fight with do you really want to stir shit up with someone who has an illness she cannot control and you don't understand? Picking a fight with me will often end in little more than mild conflict and the evils of my sharp tongue...but the others aren't quite so composed.
They know everything about what I do, read, feel, see, everything.
For them to know all of this and not go on a witch hunt would be shocking to me simply because they don't have much to lose.
Tonight, I could feel them, hear them quarreling inside, about how some of them wanted to go kick her ass, how others wanted to be diplomatic and let me handle it (thanks Eve...at least you tried), and then came the rage...I felt it coursing through me out of nowhere....toward the end of their argument that seemed to die down with no real conclusion.
It scared me. Deeply. I have to wonder now if they're going to find these aggressive people and do something, anything.
Maybe I should limit the opening up to this page, share these experiences with strangers, just...keep it a secret to people whom I trust...
-Divided Mind-
Monday, April 18, 2011
Deep Breath
Over the weekend my mother in law whose been taking care of me since my surgery had to leave.
I really enjoyed having her around it helped me get to know her and her to know me.
I ended up feeling very close to her and finally started feeling accepted into the family of which I married. As you can imagine it's incredibly difficult for me to open up to someone's mother especially when I wasn't sure she even liked me to begin with.
I knew she was a great mother to my husband and his siblings and I always thought she was a nice person, just...wasn't sure that she wanted me in her family married to her pride and joy.
It's just nice to feel accepted by a mother for once....to feel loved in a family.
My husband and I went to an art fair just to get out of the house. Mac made several appearances and took pictures to post on facebook. She had been extremely good while his mom was in town staying away and keeping herself occupied with appropriate things to do. She enjoyed people watching at the festival and talking to my husband, just hanging out.
She brought up me getting pregnant and having a baby and wanted to know where we were moving. All things that are undecided at this point. I want to wait a while before having kids though I do want them at some point.
We've begun setting up a plan to buy a house (our first home together) and have started budgeting to get together a down payment. We're hoping to move within the next 6 months...so fingers crossed.
I hope that when we do move there's not a giant upset like there was when we moved from one state to another a couple of years ago. We'll be talking to "the girls" about it when we know more about when and specifically where we're going to move. I am trying to keep them up to date on as much as I can to help them understand what's going on and to feel they can talk to us if they need to say something. Trying to find a balance with them is sometimes the most difficult thing I do during the course of a week.
At this point I'm just trying to function and make things move as smoothly as possible.
I'm stuck in bed for 90 percent or better during the day with only the tv and my dog to entertain me.
The pain in my leg is excruciating, way worse than I had expected and it's constant. I'm lonely during the day now that my mother in law is gone and that makes me a bit depressed. My friends are busy with their lives so right now they can't come and visit me...it's tough not getting up and going to work daily. I guess I feel sometimes that if I don't do everything I'm used to doing it'll all just...fall apart.
I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is only temporary and when it's over I can go back to business and life as usual.
In the mean time it's just annoying to feel swollen and fat and achy and restless...lol
Deep breath.
-Divided Mind-
I really enjoyed having her around it helped me get to know her and her to know me.
I ended up feeling very close to her and finally started feeling accepted into the family of which I married. As you can imagine it's incredibly difficult for me to open up to someone's mother especially when I wasn't sure she even liked me to begin with.
I knew she was a great mother to my husband and his siblings and I always thought she was a nice person, just...wasn't sure that she wanted me in her family married to her pride and joy.
It's just nice to feel accepted by a mother for once....to feel loved in a family.
My husband and I went to an art fair just to get out of the house. Mac made several appearances and took pictures to post on facebook. She had been extremely good while his mom was in town staying away and keeping herself occupied with appropriate things to do. She enjoyed people watching at the festival and talking to my husband, just hanging out.
She brought up me getting pregnant and having a baby and wanted to know where we were moving. All things that are undecided at this point. I want to wait a while before having kids though I do want them at some point.
We've begun setting up a plan to buy a house (our first home together) and have started budgeting to get together a down payment. We're hoping to move within the next 6 months...so fingers crossed.
I hope that when we do move there's not a giant upset like there was when we moved from one state to another a couple of years ago. We'll be talking to "the girls" about it when we know more about when and specifically where we're going to move. I am trying to keep them up to date on as much as I can to help them understand what's going on and to feel they can talk to us if they need to say something. Trying to find a balance with them is sometimes the most difficult thing I do during the course of a week.
At this point I'm just trying to function and make things move as smoothly as possible.
I'm stuck in bed for 90 percent or better during the day with only the tv and my dog to entertain me.
The pain in my leg is excruciating, way worse than I had expected and it's constant. I'm lonely during the day now that my mother in law is gone and that makes me a bit depressed. My friends are busy with their lives so right now they can't come and visit me...it's tough not getting up and going to work daily. I guess I feel sometimes that if I don't do everything I'm used to doing it'll all just...fall apart.
I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is only temporary and when it's over I can go back to business and life as usual.
In the mean time it's just annoying to feel swollen and fat and achy and restless...lol
Deep breath.
-Divided Mind-
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Some friends just aren't meant for the long haul
I think this is true for everyone. Throughout our lives we find people we love, people we like, people who we can spend every minute with and people who you can't wait to get away from. To me, it's just part of life. Not every single person you meet will become a lifelong friend and I think that's a good thing. Why? Because then it makes the friendships that do last for a long time all the more valuable to you. If everyone liked everyone there would never be any real appreciation for friendship longevity at all.
Tonight a friendship of mine ended. Though I venture to say that it was over long before tonight. That being said tonight was one of those marked moments where you're like "oh OKAY now I can assume we won't be speaking again"...unless I have the sudden urge to remind myself what sticking my hand in a blender feels like".
I've written about this girl before, though she does not read my blog and is not even aware I have one (for the best as you might expect).
This friend I got close to very quickly...almost immediately after becoming friends we became inseparable. We did everything together talked about everything, you know...girl stuff. I trusted her and told her personal things including about the alters, in fact she was one of the first people I told openly and honestly. She, like myself, has a fucked up family who wants her to be completely reliant on them and don't want her to grow up and move out (as is customary in a life plan). Throughout our friendship I would hold her and take care of her when her family was hurting her, offered to let her move in with my husband and I so she could be free of their controlling suffocating ways, but she never took me up on it. Her family hated me and every single other person she'd ever liked. Mind you none of them have any friends at all, and 4 generations of them live all under one roof in an extremely codependent and unnerving environment. There's always yelling over there and everyone's pissed and no one trusts anyone outside of the home.
Now, my friends have all warned me about this girl, said she was messed up and clingy (they referred to her as the stage 5), that she was always pissed off, that she wasn't really okay with things she said she was...and so on. Of course, I defended her to them for the simple fact that I felt I knew her better and that simply wasn't the case. And, for my part, I'm typically a fantastic judge of character. However, I was wrong.
She has identity issues, she can't be herself around her family, she's bi and hasn't come out to them or anyone besides me, she's afraid of doing anything she wants to do because her parents have made the world sound like an awful scary place, and she is very naieve and insecure. I knew she was clingy and I knew she was insecure because her behavior exhibited that sort of behavior during our friendship and I just tried dealing with it one day at a time. The problem was, that if I wasn't hanging out with her, or texting her RIGHT after she texted me or calling constantly she would get upset and flip out.
Eventually I would apologize for upsetting her and we'd move on. Well a few months ago I'd asked if she wanted to come with me on vacation to visit my friends in Georgia. She said she'd have to ask her parents (she's younger than me but still is 20 years old living at home asking her parents if she can go out to eat let alone take a trip anywhere), and may I remind you, her parents hate me, they hate fun, they hate her having any semblance of a life. Well she said she wanted to go but she couldn't get the time off work supposedly (I'm not sure she even asked because she was too chicken shit to ask her parents). At any rate, I went and my friend flew in one of my best girl friends so her and I could visit together when he was at work.
Well, I come back from my trip and I contact this girl again and I'm like hey now I'm back in town I miss you when do you want to hang out? She told me she was having a busy work week and so I told her that when she was free just to call and let me know and we'd do something. I continued checking in with her over the course of about two weeks always getting the same responses from her although she didn't mind taking the time to ask me to feed her horses for her who were emaciated because she wasn't feeding them at all. Having no time to see me or take care of her horses but she was putting things on facebook saying she did this with this person and this with that person. Odd? Then, one day she started texting me while I was out to dinner with my best friend here where I live saying "where are you?" as if I was late for something. I told her I was out to dinner and she's like "with who?" and I told her and she was like "well that sounds great" or something like that and I was like yeah...and then she flipped out saying I never hang out with her and there I am hanging out with someone else and how shitty I was for wanting to move (as if I'm married to her and not my husband)bla bla bla. I was sort of confused but I put down the phone so I could finish eating and decided when I was done I'd call her back and see what the fuck was going on with her. Mind you, I do think that she was pissed that I still went to Georgia without her and had fun, again, without her. Anyway I get back to my friends house and I call this girl and I'm like "Okay WHAT is going on?" and she just starts yelling about how my behavior has become erratic and I'm such a bad friend and the only reason I'm hanging out with this friend is because she has a son who I call my nephew and he's not really my nephew and I'm trying to compensate for something. As you can imagine, I'm sort of in shock. So I told her that if I didn't know better I would think she was on something because seriously it came out of nowhere completely unprovoked. She didn't want me hanging out with this friend even though she herself had told me she was busy. So apparently I wasn't "allowed" to have a social life beyond her. I told her that I would call her tomorrow after she had calmed down because she was acting irrational and I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
The next day she calls me and tells me that she's sooooo sorry for all the fucked up shit she said but she was drunk when I called and she didn't mean it and what not. A few issues with this story include: 1st she's never been drunk in her life 2nd unless she was under aged drinking with mommy and daddy who don't even want to let her out of the house she has no one to drink with besides me and 3rd really even if it WERE true it didn't really bring me any comfort because a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts. So I told her I just needed some space and I'd talk to her later. She'd taken some cheap shots and made low blows the night before and frankly this just sounded like her lying about why she was being such a bitch the night before.
Well a couple days pass and I ask her if she wants to go see a movie we had been planning on seeing together for over a month. She says yes. The day of I ask her if she still wants to go and she says yes again. Mind you, I've been home from my trip almost a month and I still haven't seen her yet despite the fact her horses board where I board mine and we live pretty close to each other and typically spend a TON of time together. Anyway I tell her about an 8 o'clock movie and she says we have to go early cuz it's going to be packed I offer to go to a later movie she shoots that idea down since she said she had to be up early for work the next day. So the last message I sent to her before I took a nap was "Okay I guess we'll go to the 8 o'clock show then" and then at 7 I wake up and call her. Call goes straight to voicemail...then I call again and it just rings...odd...so I send her a text saying I'm heading to the movies to go pick up tickets and save a seat for her to which she responds 20 minutes later with "well I didn't hear back from you so I made other plans" I was like wtf. And keep in mind she could have handled that situation a number of ways that wouldn't have been as fucking stupid as what she ending up doing. I was like, "you knew we had plans, we've had these plans for over a month and you're bailing on me and didn't even have the balls to tell me on the phone when I called you, instead you ignored my calls. And she then asked me to not see it and wanted to see it the next day. Instead of telling the person she made plans with hey the plans I had didn't fall through after all so do you want to come with me to the movies, or she could have invited me out with her and her friend, but no, just wanted me to do nothing that night because she bailed on me. Um. Fuck. No.
She's bailed on me before last minute several times, but this time I was really pissed off being that she tried acting like I didn't do something and that's why she made other plans and I shouldn't be mad and all that shit. I was done with the situation and trying to spend time with her when she clearly didn't value our friendship enough to try and make things right or see or talk to me at all.
Since then I've been busy with my surgery and to be honest, I really didn't think she would bother to make an effort to salvage our friendship. I was right.
Sad part is that she is brainwashed, her parents aren't nice to her and I know they've been amazingly nice to her since she and I had a fight because then they can say "see?! we were right she's crazy! we told you!" She even moved her horses from the farm we had them at without saying a word to me.
So this brings us to tonight.
Tonight she texted me telling me she wanted some items back listing each and every thing (she's been without these items for about two months) including a fish that's currently living in my tank. Then she ordered me to put them outside on my door step and not for too long because she didn't want the fish to die. No hi how are you hope you're feeling better. I mean this bitch actually expected me to go fishing around in my 55 gallon tank with crutches and a knee that's constantly hooked up to a machine to get a 1/2 inch fish. So I told her that I would get what items of hers I had but that the fish would have to wait because I can't stand up and I'm not about to ask my mother in law to try and get a fish out of the fucking tank for an hour. I also added a thank you for being so understanding and that it was the perfect time for me to do more for favors for her. Seriously, every time I don't think this girl can be any more of a cunt she just has to surprise me.
She then texted back saying that after alllll she did for me that she thought I could just do this one thing for her.
I've gone above and beyond for this girl time and time again as has my friend and my husband in an effort to try and help her out and/or make her happy. Took her shopping, my friend did a beautiful job on her hair, took her everywhere, supported her through a breakup, through her family drama, offered her a place to stay, cooked her dinners, took her out, and I told her if she wanted to start listing what she'd done she might as well quit while she's behind because my list is MUCH longer. That's just the kind of friend I am, I like to do things that make people happy and to make them feel special I don't do them because I want something back.
I told her she was being a selfish bitch and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, she wants to tell me who to be friends with, what to do, when, how, and then bails on me and does shady shit she tries to explain away later.
I'm not gonna lie, I let her have it. I think it's the first time I've done that in years, but my bullshit-o-meter was off the charts. There was one thing that bothered me about all of this, more than anything that really had me shaken. It was that I never thought in a million years she was the judgmental self righteous bitch she turned out to be. Naieve? Yes. Sheltered? Yes. Easily led? Yes. Clingy? Yes. Jealous? Yes. But a fucking bitch who throws out low blows like they're candy on Halloween? THAT I didn't see coming.
I hope she grows up, gets a grip and opens her eyes to realize the world is going to keep spinning with or without her and if she wants to experience it she's gonna have to get her shit together and leave the nest.
I don't regret what happened between us tonight, for the simple fact that I simply could not ever trust her again after the things she said when to my face the entire time she portrayed herself to be a different person. Toxic is the only word that comes to mind when I think about her and her family...and I really feel bad for her because of what they've done to her.
Oh well.
In other news I talked to a friend from Georgia tonight at length about what's going on in his life while he was drunk and having a party at his house. He makes me laugh which quickly diffused my stress almost instantly. It sounded like there was a lively party taking place but apparently he liked talking to me more than the strangers inhabiting his place of residence at the time. We joked about random people and things and talked about how we missed hanging out with one another. He's a really cool guy. It's fun easy friendships like that that remind me it's not worth losing sleep over ignorant assholes.
Words to live by.
-Divided Mind-
Tonight a friendship of mine ended. Though I venture to say that it was over long before tonight. That being said tonight was one of those marked moments where you're like "oh OKAY now I can assume we won't be speaking again"...unless I have the sudden urge to remind myself what sticking my hand in a blender feels like".
I've written about this girl before, though she does not read my blog and is not even aware I have one (for the best as you might expect).
This friend I got close to very quickly...almost immediately after becoming friends we became inseparable. We did everything together talked about everything, you know...girl stuff. I trusted her and told her personal things including about the alters, in fact she was one of the first people I told openly and honestly. She, like myself, has a fucked up family who wants her to be completely reliant on them and don't want her to grow up and move out (as is customary in a life plan). Throughout our friendship I would hold her and take care of her when her family was hurting her, offered to let her move in with my husband and I so she could be free of their controlling suffocating ways, but she never took me up on it. Her family hated me and every single other person she'd ever liked. Mind you none of them have any friends at all, and 4 generations of them live all under one roof in an extremely codependent and unnerving environment. There's always yelling over there and everyone's pissed and no one trusts anyone outside of the home.
Now, my friends have all warned me about this girl, said she was messed up and clingy (they referred to her as the stage 5), that she was always pissed off, that she wasn't really okay with things she said she was...and so on. Of course, I defended her to them for the simple fact that I felt I knew her better and that simply wasn't the case. And, for my part, I'm typically a fantastic judge of character. However, I was wrong.
She has identity issues, she can't be herself around her family, she's bi and hasn't come out to them or anyone besides me, she's afraid of doing anything she wants to do because her parents have made the world sound like an awful scary place, and she is very naieve and insecure. I knew she was clingy and I knew she was insecure because her behavior exhibited that sort of behavior during our friendship and I just tried dealing with it one day at a time. The problem was, that if I wasn't hanging out with her, or texting her RIGHT after she texted me or calling constantly she would get upset and flip out.
Eventually I would apologize for upsetting her and we'd move on. Well a few months ago I'd asked if she wanted to come with me on vacation to visit my friends in Georgia. She said she'd have to ask her parents (she's younger than me but still is 20 years old living at home asking her parents if she can go out to eat let alone take a trip anywhere), and may I remind you, her parents hate me, they hate fun, they hate her having any semblance of a life. Well she said she wanted to go but she couldn't get the time off work supposedly (I'm not sure she even asked because she was too chicken shit to ask her parents). At any rate, I went and my friend flew in one of my best girl friends so her and I could visit together when he was at work.
Well, I come back from my trip and I contact this girl again and I'm like hey now I'm back in town I miss you when do you want to hang out? She told me she was having a busy work week and so I told her that when she was free just to call and let me know and we'd do something. I continued checking in with her over the course of about two weeks always getting the same responses from her although she didn't mind taking the time to ask me to feed her horses for her who were emaciated because she wasn't feeding them at all. Having no time to see me or take care of her horses but she was putting things on facebook saying she did this with this person and this with that person. Odd? Then, one day she started texting me while I was out to dinner with my best friend here where I live saying "where are you?" as if I was late for something. I told her I was out to dinner and she's like "with who?" and I told her and she was like "well that sounds great" or something like that and I was like yeah...and then she flipped out saying I never hang out with her and there I am hanging out with someone else and how shitty I was for wanting to move (as if I'm married to her and not my husband)bla bla bla. I was sort of confused but I put down the phone so I could finish eating and decided when I was done I'd call her back and see what the fuck was going on with her. Mind you, I do think that she was pissed that I still went to Georgia without her and had fun, again, without her. Anyway I get back to my friends house and I call this girl and I'm like "Okay WHAT is going on?" and she just starts yelling about how my behavior has become erratic and I'm such a bad friend and the only reason I'm hanging out with this friend is because she has a son who I call my nephew and he's not really my nephew and I'm trying to compensate for something. As you can imagine, I'm sort of in shock. So I told her that if I didn't know better I would think she was on something because seriously it came out of nowhere completely unprovoked. She didn't want me hanging out with this friend even though she herself had told me she was busy. So apparently I wasn't "allowed" to have a social life beyond her. I told her that I would call her tomorrow after she had calmed down because she was acting irrational and I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
The next day she calls me and tells me that she's sooooo sorry for all the fucked up shit she said but she was drunk when I called and she didn't mean it and what not. A few issues with this story include: 1st she's never been drunk in her life 2nd unless she was under aged drinking with mommy and daddy who don't even want to let her out of the house she has no one to drink with besides me and 3rd really even if it WERE true it didn't really bring me any comfort because a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts. So I told her I just needed some space and I'd talk to her later. She'd taken some cheap shots and made low blows the night before and frankly this just sounded like her lying about why she was being such a bitch the night before.
Well a couple days pass and I ask her if she wants to go see a movie we had been planning on seeing together for over a month. She says yes. The day of I ask her if she still wants to go and she says yes again. Mind you, I've been home from my trip almost a month and I still haven't seen her yet despite the fact her horses board where I board mine and we live pretty close to each other and typically spend a TON of time together. Anyway I tell her about an 8 o'clock movie and she says we have to go early cuz it's going to be packed I offer to go to a later movie she shoots that idea down since she said she had to be up early for work the next day. So the last message I sent to her before I took a nap was "Okay I guess we'll go to the 8 o'clock show then" and then at 7 I wake up and call her. Call goes straight to voicemail...then I call again and it just rings...odd...so I send her a text saying I'm heading to the movies to go pick up tickets and save a seat for her to which she responds 20 minutes later with "well I didn't hear back from you so I made other plans" I was like wtf. And keep in mind she could have handled that situation a number of ways that wouldn't have been as fucking stupid as what she ending up doing. I was like, "you knew we had plans, we've had these plans for over a month and you're bailing on me and didn't even have the balls to tell me on the phone when I called you, instead you ignored my calls. And she then asked me to not see it and wanted to see it the next day. Instead of telling the person she made plans with hey the plans I had didn't fall through after all so do you want to come with me to the movies, or she could have invited me out with her and her friend, but no, just wanted me to do nothing that night because she bailed on me. Um. Fuck. No.
She's bailed on me before last minute several times, but this time I was really pissed off being that she tried acting like I didn't do something and that's why she made other plans and I shouldn't be mad and all that shit. I was done with the situation and trying to spend time with her when she clearly didn't value our friendship enough to try and make things right or see or talk to me at all.
Since then I've been busy with my surgery and to be honest, I really didn't think she would bother to make an effort to salvage our friendship. I was right.
Sad part is that she is brainwashed, her parents aren't nice to her and I know they've been amazingly nice to her since she and I had a fight because then they can say "see?! we were right she's crazy! we told you!" She even moved her horses from the farm we had them at without saying a word to me.
So this brings us to tonight.
Tonight she texted me telling me she wanted some items back listing each and every thing (she's been without these items for about two months) including a fish that's currently living in my tank. Then she ordered me to put them outside on my door step and not for too long because she didn't want the fish to die. No hi how are you hope you're feeling better. I mean this bitch actually expected me to go fishing around in my 55 gallon tank with crutches and a knee that's constantly hooked up to a machine to get a 1/2 inch fish. So I told her that I would get what items of hers I had but that the fish would have to wait because I can't stand up and I'm not about to ask my mother in law to try and get a fish out of the fucking tank for an hour. I also added a thank you for being so understanding and that it was the perfect time for me to do more for favors for her. Seriously, every time I don't think this girl can be any more of a cunt she just has to surprise me.
She then texted back saying that after alllll she did for me that she thought I could just do this one thing for her.
I've gone above and beyond for this girl time and time again as has my friend and my husband in an effort to try and help her out and/or make her happy. Took her shopping, my friend did a beautiful job on her hair, took her everywhere, supported her through a breakup, through her family drama, offered her a place to stay, cooked her dinners, took her out, and I told her if she wanted to start listing what she'd done she might as well quit while she's behind because my list is MUCH longer. That's just the kind of friend I am, I like to do things that make people happy and to make them feel special I don't do them because I want something back.
I told her she was being a selfish bitch and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, she wants to tell me who to be friends with, what to do, when, how, and then bails on me and does shady shit she tries to explain away later.
I'm not gonna lie, I let her have it. I think it's the first time I've done that in years, but my bullshit-o-meter was off the charts. There was one thing that bothered me about all of this, more than anything that really had me shaken. It was that I never thought in a million years she was the judgmental self righteous bitch she turned out to be. Naieve? Yes. Sheltered? Yes. Easily led? Yes. Clingy? Yes. Jealous? Yes. But a fucking bitch who throws out low blows like they're candy on Halloween? THAT I didn't see coming.
I hope she grows up, gets a grip and opens her eyes to realize the world is going to keep spinning with or without her and if she wants to experience it she's gonna have to get her shit together and leave the nest.
I don't regret what happened between us tonight, for the simple fact that I simply could not ever trust her again after the things she said when to my face the entire time she portrayed herself to be a different person. Toxic is the only word that comes to mind when I think about her and her family...and I really feel bad for her because of what they've done to her.
Oh well.
In other news I talked to a friend from Georgia tonight at length about what's going on in his life while he was drunk and having a party at his house. He makes me laugh which quickly diffused my stress almost instantly. It sounded like there was a lively party taking place but apparently he liked talking to me more than the strangers inhabiting his place of residence at the time. We joked about random people and things and talked about how we missed hanging out with one another. He's a really cool guy. It's fun easy friendships like that that remind me it's not worth losing sleep over ignorant assholes.
Words to live by.
-Divided Mind-
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Pain, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
I've been trying to keep myself busy, interested in things other than the insane pain I've been in since the surgery. Today was the worst day of pain I've had since the surgery...it was excruciating. I took the pain meds, the muscle relaxers, tried to sleep, took advil, took a bath...
I tried everything and anything I could think of to try and cut the pain level down to a manageable level and in the end nothing worked. Throbbing. Razorblade. Car impaled. Pain.
It was a constant reminder that I have quite a ways to go before I'm able to do anything I would normally be able to accomplish. My days are all pretty much a blur and everything has seemingly begun to run together, emotions, days, thoughts...all in a blender set to puree.
I knew the surgery was going to hurt, I even knew that I was going to be stuck in a bed for a while, but dammit there's not enough t.v. to keep me busy all day and night. And if the crippled part doesn't suck enough, I keep getting visited by the fever fairy. Oh, and if THAT isn't enough I should be dealing with my Aunt Flo in the very near future.
The pain medicine simply isn't cutting it and I'm trying to cope as best I can. My mother in law has been staying with us to help take care of me and things around the house for a couple of weeks. I'm really, truly, grateful for her help because handling the dogs, cleaning, and my husband would prove to be a little out of my range of abilities right now. She's always available to help out one of her kids when they need it and my husband is her golden boy so clearly he gets priority in the family. Up until this week I was pretty convinced she didn't like me nor did she think I was good enough for her son, but now...well...I've changed my mind.
The thing is, my husband and I both lived in different states from our parents when we met, so we've only had a handful of times each to meet one another's family. And there have been a couple of times where things his mom has said has rubbed me the wrong way. Then during the wedding rehearsal I felt like an outcast around his family and finally broke down crying on the way to the rehearsal dinner. To feel like you're not good enough in the eyes of your husband-to-be's family is a little overwhelming. That night though my husband told his family how I felt and since then I have seen them all really trying to make me feel like I'm not the outcast I once thought I was. The best part about it is that even though everything with me physically at this point is a mess, it's given me the chance to get to know his mom.
We have some similar interests (other than her son) and I'm feeling a motherly warmth coming from her which actually makes me feel a lot better.
For me it's hard to connect with someone else's mom. Why? Because not only does my mother suck but the one mother I got really close to I ended up not really having in my life after I broke up with my ex..and let me tell you there is still a hole in my heart from that.
In a way I'm glad I needed the surgery because I don't know that I ever would have had this much time with my mother in law had I not gone through with it. Getting to know her and hearing stories about her life...it makes me feel safe about opening up to her. All of this couldn't have come at a better time with me currently on the outs with my mother it brings me a sense of peace and belonging. I'll still be cautious but I'm trying to break down some of the walls I've put up in order to move forward.
Here's the big catch to all of this though: she doesn't know I have D.I.D.
Frankly I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her for fear of what she might say or do after the fact. Keeping a secret from someone about something as big as this is anything but easy and I'm certainly not proud of having to do so but it's a matter of survival for myself and my family.
Between my husband and I we've explained to "the girls" that they need to stay in until the end of the night because we're fucked if someone blows our cover. They've been good to our knowledge and are giving us the space we need from them during the day. But it's not all sunshine and roses either...because if I can't switch with one of them that means I have to endure the pain fest all day every day at the very least until his mom leaves town over another week from now. I'd like to think that means we're all making sacrifices.
I think I can I think I can!
-Divided Mind-
I tried everything and anything I could think of to try and cut the pain level down to a manageable level and in the end nothing worked. Throbbing. Razorblade. Car impaled. Pain.
It was a constant reminder that I have quite a ways to go before I'm able to do anything I would normally be able to accomplish. My days are all pretty much a blur and everything has seemingly begun to run together, emotions, days, thoughts...all in a blender set to puree.
I knew the surgery was going to hurt, I even knew that I was going to be stuck in a bed for a while, but dammit there's not enough t.v. to keep me busy all day and night. And if the crippled part doesn't suck enough, I keep getting visited by the fever fairy. Oh, and if THAT isn't enough I should be dealing with my Aunt Flo in the very near future.
The pain medicine simply isn't cutting it and I'm trying to cope as best I can. My mother in law has been staying with us to help take care of me and things around the house for a couple of weeks. I'm really, truly, grateful for her help because handling the dogs, cleaning, and my husband would prove to be a little out of my range of abilities right now. She's always available to help out one of her kids when they need it and my husband is her golden boy so clearly he gets priority in the family. Up until this week I was pretty convinced she didn't like me nor did she think I was good enough for her son, but now...well...I've changed my mind.
The thing is, my husband and I both lived in different states from our parents when we met, so we've only had a handful of times each to meet one another's family. And there have been a couple of times where things his mom has said has rubbed me the wrong way. Then during the wedding rehearsal I felt like an outcast around his family and finally broke down crying on the way to the rehearsal dinner. To feel like you're not good enough in the eyes of your husband-to-be's family is a little overwhelming. That night though my husband told his family how I felt and since then I have seen them all really trying to make me feel like I'm not the outcast I once thought I was. The best part about it is that even though everything with me physically at this point is a mess, it's given me the chance to get to know his mom.
We have some similar interests (other than her son) and I'm feeling a motherly warmth coming from her which actually makes me feel a lot better.
For me it's hard to connect with someone else's mom. Why? Because not only does my mother suck but the one mother I got really close to I ended up not really having in my life after I broke up with my ex..and let me tell you there is still a hole in my heart from that.
In a way I'm glad I needed the surgery because I don't know that I ever would have had this much time with my mother in law had I not gone through with it. Getting to know her and hearing stories about her life...it makes me feel safe about opening up to her. All of this couldn't have come at a better time with me currently on the outs with my mother it brings me a sense of peace and belonging. I'll still be cautious but I'm trying to break down some of the walls I've put up in order to move forward.
Here's the big catch to all of this though: she doesn't know I have D.I.D.
Frankly I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her for fear of what she might say or do after the fact. Keeping a secret from someone about something as big as this is anything but easy and I'm certainly not proud of having to do so but it's a matter of survival for myself and my family.
Between my husband and I we've explained to "the girls" that they need to stay in until the end of the night because we're fucked if someone blows our cover. They've been good to our knowledge and are giving us the space we need from them during the day. But it's not all sunshine and roses either...because if I can't switch with one of them that means I have to endure the pain fest all day every day at the very least until his mom leaves town over another week from now. I'd like to think that means we're all making sacrifices.
I think I can I think I can!
-Divided Mind-
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Post Surgery
This is the first day since my surgery I am actually able to write. Before today I was having difficulty holding any type of conversation let alone writing because my short term memory gets ALOT shorter when I'm taking pain meds.
Lately, all the days since my surgery have begun running together, most of the time I don't even know which day is which.
My surgery went well, although it did end up turning into two surgeries at once on the same leg due to the multiple issues that needed to be addressed. Basically what they did was they replaced my : LCL, ACL, and MCL.
And they totally replaced my knee as well. This is the first surgery I've had ever so I'm glad the people at the hospital I went to were so nice and helpful. Unfortunately, it won't be the last surgery I need, at the least I still need two more done but for now this is plenty for me to deal with.
My leg is killing me and it's definitely not helping my back pain either. I just keep trying to remind myself it'll all be over soon...at least until the fall. The past couple of days though I've been running a fever off and on and getting some KILLER migraines so I'm just trying to cope as best I can.
Mac and the others aren't happy at all to be stuck in bed with me. Mac has tried keeping herself occupied by coloring because she has to keep a low profile. Mostly because my husband's mother is in town and doesn't know anything about the alters and her finding out while she's here to help take care of me, well it just doesn't seem like the right time.
For me, there's alot of things I need to get done but most of it I need my big desktop computer since my laptop is a P.O.S. but there's just no way I could manage sitting in a chair at this point. As it is, having the laptop on my lap is causing enough pain to last me all day.
The alters have come out a couple of times to try and enjoy some "out" time but were shooed back in so they wouldn't bust our cover.
We had a "family meeting" a couple of days ago to discuss issues we were having with the alters.
My husband in the past year or so had decided he didn't want to know what was going on with the alters, and so we had an agreement that nothing would be discussed about them unless it was a life or death sort of necessity. He was so stressed with their behavior that he was hoping he could just focus on me and our relationship as if the rest of them didn't exist and we could have some sense of normality. Though it was harder on me to not have anyone to share my feelings about the alters I didn't want to be the source of turmoil in my husband's life. And I could still talk to my friend about it since he knows and loves "the girls" as he calls them.
For him, there is really no risk in being interested in their lives, dreams, etc.
But now that my husband wants to know what's going on with me AND the alters we might be able to try and salvage a partnership with them and work as a team instead of 10 people going 10 different directions.
We need unity, we need peace, we need a damn break.
No matter how hard I try I will never be able to "control" the alters or the choices they make, but I'm hoping it won't be as much of a burden to try and carry all their mistakes in my heart weighing me down all the time.
That being said, I would really like to meet an alter who's a super fast healer so I could go back to my life in the real world.
-Divided Mind-
Lately, all the days since my surgery have begun running together, most of the time I don't even know which day is which.
My surgery went well, although it did end up turning into two surgeries at once on the same leg due to the multiple issues that needed to be addressed. Basically what they did was they replaced my : LCL, ACL, and MCL.
And they totally replaced my knee as well. This is the first surgery I've had ever so I'm glad the people at the hospital I went to were so nice and helpful. Unfortunately, it won't be the last surgery I need, at the least I still need two more done but for now this is plenty for me to deal with.
My leg is killing me and it's definitely not helping my back pain either. I just keep trying to remind myself it'll all be over soon...at least until the fall. The past couple of days though I've been running a fever off and on and getting some KILLER migraines so I'm just trying to cope as best I can.
Mac and the others aren't happy at all to be stuck in bed with me. Mac has tried keeping herself occupied by coloring because she has to keep a low profile. Mostly because my husband's mother is in town and doesn't know anything about the alters and her finding out while she's here to help take care of me, well it just doesn't seem like the right time.
For me, there's alot of things I need to get done but most of it I need my big desktop computer since my laptop is a P.O.S. but there's just no way I could manage sitting in a chair at this point. As it is, having the laptop on my lap is causing enough pain to last me all day.
The alters have come out a couple of times to try and enjoy some "out" time but were shooed back in so they wouldn't bust our cover.
We had a "family meeting" a couple of days ago to discuss issues we were having with the alters.
My husband in the past year or so had decided he didn't want to know what was going on with the alters, and so we had an agreement that nothing would be discussed about them unless it was a life or death sort of necessity. He was so stressed with their behavior that he was hoping he could just focus on me and our relationship as if the rest of them didn't exist and we could have some sense of normality. Though it was harder on me to not have anyone to share my feelings about the alters I didn't want to be the source of turmoil in my husband's life. And I could still talk to my friend about it since he knows and loves "the girls" as he calls them.
For him, there is really no risk in being interested in their lives, dreams, etc.
But now that my husband wants to know what's going on with me AND the alters we might be able to try and salvage a partnership with them and work as a team instead of 10 people going 10 different directions.
We need unity, we need peace, we need a damn break.
No matter how hard I try I will never be able to "control" the alters or the choices they make, but I'm hoping it won't be as much of a burden to try and carry all their mistakes in my heart weighing me down all the time.
That being said, I would really like to meet an alter who's a super fast healer so I could go back to my life in the real world.
-Divided Mind-
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