The thing is, I've been stressed because all of the friends I came to visit happen to be involved in a giant fight where frankly everyone is wrong. Sadly, I've been friends with these people for years now and instead of all of them sitting down and putting all the cards out on the table, they've opted to communicate based on the "he said/she said" method which of course is the best way to run a cement paver over a friendship. On top of the fact everyone's being ridiculously selfish their war has caused me to be the first one they text or call to "clear things up" while simultaneously assuming I cannot possibly be their friend if I'm (insert name here)'s friend.
At the root of the problem is my friends have lied to one another and it's all coming out (as I warned them it would by the way) one "promised" secret at time. In a perfect world, I'd crawl into my bedroom and listen to country music until everyone worked things out and were ready to hang out again. Instead, here I am, no car, no bedroom of my own, and a group of friends who only want to hang out with me if I'm not with (insert name here)'s not present.
Clearly, the alter's see this as a golden opportunity to make a formal introduction to my friends.
Oh? Did I mention that? I've only told one person about my disorder on purpose in my entire life. I have a total of three people in my life that know about the alters and none of them were told because I was feeling honest one day kicking back with a beer. They were told because they were witness to some situation which left me two options (which I weigh daily I might add) 1: Do I let this person assume I'm messed up on drugs, delusional, or just plain crazy? or 2: Do I tell them the truth about myself and risk them still believing the prior option and/or telling everyone we know.
The choice is often made for me.
So I've been stuck in the middle of this shit storm on my vacation that was intended for me to have to decompress, including but not limited to: wakeboarding, clubbing, reading, sleeping, hanging out with friends and the like.
Don't get the wrong idea, these aren't things I do regularly, but like I said, it's my vacation.
Instead, I've been ignored when hanging out with one that doesn't like the other, or yelled at because no one can believe I'm still friends with ________ after what they did.
Here's how: Because I'm not stupid enough to believe that they are the Antichrist incarnate just because they don't want to be friends with you anymore. Everyone lies, for different reasons, with different conclusions, but here's one you can be sure of, you lie and it will come out. Period. Now my friends mistakes in this case, were all centered around lies they told one another. Assuming for some reason that we don't talk to each other, they thought these secrets and lies were safe, even if they told someone else in the group a different lie. Everyone getting upset with one another has drained me, upset me, hurt me...and most importantly stressed me out.
Stress=Alters
When there were dead silences in the car ride home from a day trip I took with three of my friends, (two of which are angry with each other but both agreed to go knowing the other would be there) Anya decided to liven things up.
She began signing to my friend sitting in the drivers seat and he gave her a notepad to compile her thoughts rather than trying to read her ASL while driving on a winding road for an hour. Good call.
Out of my two friends in the rear passenger's seat only one knew about the alters, but the other could clearly tell something was up. He kept asking his ex girlfriend (who had no interest in talking to him)what was going on, to which she could only respond: Nothing.
Apparently on the drive home we passed a couple driving a car that had "just married" written on the back, Anya being a bit of a pessimist wrote "GAME OVER" on her notepad and quickly extended her arm out the window so the newlyweds could read it.
Then at some point she decided to tell my friend in the driver's seat that she had learned to sign in Spanish, to which my friend responded "isn't there just one version of sign language?" ....
You think being a deaf mute Anya would have been able to manage keeping her comments to herself...no such luck. She quickly jotted down "Yeah, let's assume the blonde firing all 3 brain cells at once knows more about sign language than the deaf girl". My friend who this was in reference to, saw it in the back seat. By the time we reached home, my friend was so pissed off with my alter, she wouldn't talk to anyone, which is quite unlike her being that she's usually giggly, bouncy, and can create her own high. About 10 minutes after she yelled the words "I want MY friend back" (words that unfortunately never made it to me directly), I showed up...to see her quite frazzled and upset.
That's the worst part, the aftermath.
No matter how long I'm gone, if I come back to people I know I immediately feel the aura in the room, most often it's awkward and usually strained for everyone. Everyone's tired, maybe angry, unwilling to fill in the blanks they just had to live through themselves, and me there, not knowing what was said, where I went, or what I did. You quickly learn how "I'm sorry" just doesn't hold much value when it comes from me rather than the alter who caused the damage. Some of them will attempt to mend fences and build bridges, but this is more the exception than the rule. Most of the alters will burn bridges with a rocket launcher and roll on to the next unsuspecting civilian as long as it pleases them or keeps their agenda on track.
Easy to see how trust could be an issue for me and the people around me, I mean I may swear to keep a secret, but as long as you've not addressed the alters directly it could be the next dinner topic.
One of you asked if I'm working with a therapist toward integration, to this my answer is no not at this time. The last time integrating the alters was put on the table by the therapist, they decided to rebel in various, some in dangerous, ways.
The goal of therapy right now is to bridge the communication gap between them and I. And to achieve what's referred to as "co-consciousness". Which is a fancy word for me being aware of what they're thinking and doing and ultimately having a say in what happens to my body, life, relationships, or even things as simple as deciding what to eat.
Right now, I don't get a vote on what they decide to do or say, or how long I'm away. I've been working daily on meditation as this is often the way many people with D.I.D. are able to communicate with their alters inside and connect to them.
Unfortunately, I've not reached that goal yet, every time I attempt to reach inside and hear them or speak to them, we don't connect...so I leave notes for them and they do for me as well if there's something they want to discuss, or something they're thinking about.
I'm still unaware of when they come out if I find myself the last place I remember being. At this point unless I can see that things are physically out of place or I'm with someone who see's the shift, I won't know I've been gone.
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