My trip was at an end and I had to go back home...to a place where the only thing I missed was my fiance. I've been engaged for a year, and will be getting married in October. The reason I didn't miss anything else while I was gone is because I don't particularly like where we live. We moved here a year ago for his job and it has been difficult on me, despite my best efforts to make this our "home". I left my thriving business, my best friends (who are now at war), my first house, and a place that was simply perfect to me. I did this because, the moment I met my fiance I knew, at that moment, he was the one. After we got engaged, the reality of moving to a new place that I'd only visited once was beginning to set it. And as hard as I knew everything would be I went anyway because I thought I could make everything work there, that I had going for me where I had been living. I'd miss everyone but I could still visit and they could visit...it would just take time to adjust....or at least that's what I thought.
A year later, I've got everything I had in my "hometown" before, a job, a car, a nice place to live, a few friends...my fiance loves his job...but yet when I visit where I lived before I feel like a whole person, and here...it's just very hard for me.
Despite my best efforts, I don't enjoy living here. I didn't know it would be quite this hard to be honest, I assumed that in time, and with work and friends I'd be fine...but we've begun talking about where we're going to live next year and possibly buying a house and I physically cringe at the thought of buying a house here.
I miss the scenery, the weather, the people....I didn't grow up in that state but I did go to college there and set down roots of my own there. My family still lived in another state but I felt like I was home.
I didn't know that I couldn't make myself like it....I really assumed quite the opposite. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And as in many cases when I'm wrong, it has consequences. I love my fiance, and I want to be his wife, the day I met him I just knew he was the "one"....and as impossible as this situation and uprooting has been for me, I did it for him because in the end he is the person I want to be with. He's the only reason I've not gone back to live where I had before...
I just cannot see myself raising a family here, moving forward and getting locked into a mortgage in a place I don't want to live for another year let alone 10.
But here's the awful part: He can only do what he does (and got a masters degree for) in a total of 3 states, and none of them are my old state.
So that leaves us with these options: A.) Leave him with his dream job and live without him. (NOT my chosen option) B.) Find some other job he'd love that pays well in our old state which isn't looking good because so far he's been unable to find anything they don't want 10 years experience for. or C.) He starts over and trashes his 6 year degree . (Also not an option in my opinion).
I would stay here but it isn't making me happy and no option where only one of us is happy is really a permanent solution.
And the subject has come up over and over....and I always just decide I'll work on sticking it out...and even when I do that doesn't work because he knows I'm not fulfilled here.
At the end of my trip, all of the alters were very upset and hurt we were leaving because they didn't know when "we" would be visiting our friends and our "home" again...and their pain just rips me apart inside, draining me of every molecule of energy I had. When you're sharing your body with alters, your feelings they can turn on and off, but theirs, only they can turn theirs off....and I have to endure it until they feel better.
It is hard for me to leave my friends and my "home"....it eats away at me too...but I always come back because I love my fiance.
But loving him is only part of being happy, we both need to be happy and not just because of one another. We need to live satisfying lives and happy with ourselves, anything else just short changes our partner.
I got home, cried, talked, cried, alters came out angry or sad, I came back...cried.
Everything has been difficult here, this has all taken all I've had in me to give, and yet it still isn't enough. I'm still not happy. And I've done everything anyone has recommended that I try. I've worked harder to make myself happy here than I've ever worked for anything in my entire life. Anytime I've ever set my mind to do something, focused on it, and worked hard for it, I've reached my goal...but not this one. Why? All it does is hurt him and I ...
*deep breath*
He's the one who said we would move back...he knew I'd never ask.
But I know his family will hate me for it, and I know he doesn't want to leave this job....ugh the guilt.
He's been looking for jobs but seems to think he's not qualified for any good job....any job in engineering at least....
No matter how many times we discuss it, it never gets easier, and I never feel like I'm worth giving up this job for...
I've given up everything I had and every piece of myself to make things work for us out here....and it still doesn't feel like home. That's a good way to describe how I feel....I feel homesick.
They say "home is where the heart is"....well that's just not true....my heart is here...and my homes over there....
It eats away at me, this inability to be more, do more, feel....more....while in the mean time the alters are constantly running their own agenda of the day....
I'm constantly tired, I have migranes from switching, sometimes seizures....not to mention whatever mess they've made for me to clean up be it physical or emotional.
I feel like any decision I make, someone will be hurt by it. If we move back it'll hurt him, if we live anywhere else it hurts me....and in this case, the alters....which only hinders my ability to adjust.
It's hard to explain but my "home" is the only place I've ever felt like a whole person, I just didn't know it until I tried to live somewhere else. And let me just say, feeling like a whole person when you know there's more than one of you is probably one of the most comforting feelings you can experience. Living with D.I.D. means making the best decision for you and the others, and no matter how hard you try there are always consequences, good and bad.
It's like living with a large family, the only difference is, if one is unhappy they create total and utter chaos in one way or another. You cannot comfort them nor can you help them adjust. Sometimes, you don't even know they're upset until something bad has happened in order to get someone's attention.
I mean, Mac trashed our bedroom because my fiance took an attitude with her.
They don't live in the real world with rules of society like we do.
Each of them have a different set of rules, standards, different versions of what is moral and immoral.
I don't know what my next step will be....I'm hoping somehow I'll figure out what the right decision is...for him, for me, for ...them.
A year later, I've got everything I had in my "hometown" before, a job, a car, a nice place to live, a few friends...my fiance loves his job...but yet when I visit where I lived before I feel like a whole person, and here...it's just very hard for me.
Despite my best efforts, I don't enjoy living here. I didn't know it would be quite this hard to be honest, I assumed that in time, and with work and friends I'd be fine...but we've begun talking about where we're going to live next year and possibly buying a house and I physically cringe at the thought of buying a house here.
I miss the scenery, the weather, the people....I didn't grow up in that state but I did go to college there and set down roots of my own there. My family still lived in another state but I felt like I was home.
I didn't know that I couldn't make myself like it....I really assumed quite the opposite. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And as in many cases when I'm wrong, it has consequences. I love my fiance, and I want to be his wife, the day I met him I just knew he was the "one"....and as impossible as this situation and uprooting has been for me, I did it for him because in the end he is the person I want to be with. He's the only reason I've not gone back to live where I had before...
I just cannot see myself raising a family here, moving forward and getting locked into a mortgage in a place I don't want to live for another year let alone 10.
But here's the awful part: He can only do what he does (and got a masters degree for) in a total of 3 states, and none of them are my old state.
So that leaves us with these options: A.) Leave him with his dream job and live without him. (NOT my chosen option) B.) Find some other job he'd love that pays well in our old state which isn't looking good because so far he's been unable to find anything they don't want 10 years experience for. or C.) He starts over and trashes his 6 year degree . (Also not an option in my opinion).
I would stay here but it isn't making me happy and no option where only one of us is happy is really a permanent solution.
And the subject has come up over and over....and I always just decide I'll work on sticking it out...and even when I do that doesn't work because he knows I'm not fulfilled here.
At the end of my trip, all of the alters were very upset and hurt we were leaving because they didn't know when "we" would be visiting our friends and our "home" again...and their pain just rips me apart inside, draining me of every molecule of energy I had. When you're sharing your body with alters, your feelings they can turn on and off, but theirs, only they can turn theirs off....and I have to endure it until they feel better.
It is hard for me to leave my friends and my "home"....it eats away at me too...but I always come back because I love my fiance.
But loving him is only part of being happy, we both need to be happy and not just because of one another. We need to live satisfying lives and happy with ourselves, anything else just short changes our partner.
I got home, cried, talked, cried, alters came out angry or sad, I came back...cried.
Everything has been difficult here, this has all taken all I've had in me to give, and yet it still isn't enough. I'm still not happy. And I've done everything anyone has recommended that I try. I've worked harder to make myself happy here than I've ever worked for anything in my entire life. Anytime I've ever set my mind to do something, focused on it, and worked hard for it, I've reached my goal...but not this one. Why? All it does is hurt him and I ...
*deep breath*
He's the one who said we would move back...he knew I'd never ask.
But I know his family will hate me for it, and I know he doesn't want to leave this job....ugh the guilt.
He's been looking for jobs but seems to think he's not qualified for any good job....any job in engineering at least....
No matter how many times we discuss it, it never gets easier, and I never feel like I'm worth giving up this job for...
I've given up everything I had and every piece of myself to make things work for us out here....and it still doesn't feel like home. That's a good way to describe how I feel....I feel homesick.
They say "home is where the heart is"....well that's just not true....my heart is here...and my homes over there....
It eats away at me, this inability to be more, do more, feel....more....while in the mean time the alters are constantly running their own agenda of the day....
I'm constantly tired, I have migranes from switching, sometimes seizures....not to mention whatever mess they've made for me to clean up be it physical or emotional.
I feel like any decision I make, someone will be hurt by it. If we move back it'll hurt him, if we live anywhere else it hurts me....and in this case, the alters....which only hinders my ability to adjust.
It's hard to explain but my "home" is the only place I've ever felt like a whole person, I just didn't know it until I tried to live somewhere else. And let me just say, feeling like a whole person when you know there's more than one of you is probably one of the most comforting feelings you can experience. Living with D.I.D. means making the best decision for you and the others, and no matter how hard you try there are always consequences, good and bad.
It's like living with a large family, the only difference is, if one is unhappy they create total and utter chaos in one way or another. You cannot comfort them nor can you help them adjust. Sometimes, you don't even know they're upset until something bad has happened in order to get someone's attention.
I mean, Mac trashed our bedroom because my fiance took an attitude with her.
They don't live in the real world with rules of society like we do.
Each of them have a different set of rules, standards, different versions of what is moral and immoral.
I don't know what my next step will be....I'm hoping somehow I'll figure out what the right decision is...for him, for me, for ...them.
I think your fiancé loves you very much and that he knows that his happiness lies with you and that if you (all) aren't happy then nor will he be.
ReplyDeleteTake care and all the best