My pre baby bucket list.

That's right, I have a pre-baby bucket list.
I'm not sure if I'm going to have children or not and I'm young so I have a bit of time to figure out where my heart truly lies.
When I imagine my life, I think I've always envisioned being a mother, a wife, a friend...
But things shift when you end up in as unique a situation, as mine. I have fears, true and deep seeded fears. I worry that I won't be the parent I set out to become, I worry that my kid might have a dance recital and mommy won't make it because she's too busy NOT being mommy. I would be crushed if I ended up in second when it came to my child. And I know that some of you will warmly tell me that I would make a great mom for the simple fact my mother has drawn a road map of what I shouldn't be as a mother. And that due to the fact I'm constantly trying to find balance in my relationships with my alters, a family unto themselves, I could likely be successful at being a parent. To this I will respond with the most earnest of my thoughts, that truly, my heart will not be rested over creating and raising a child.
As a teenager I was responsible, never broke curfew, had a 4.0, was a model, was a dancer (a very serious one actually), and I was a good friend to those who would call me one of their own. Parts of me were wreckless, to my knowledge, it was only my thoughts that crossed lines, things that I hardly spoke of to even my best friends. Even as I'm typing this...it occurs to me that those thoughts rattling around in my skull may not have been my own at all.
I remember dreaming of a big house, the finest clothes and jewelry, kids, a handsome husband straight off the new york city fashion week runway.
To me, right then, it was my moment to take on the world, this small sliver of time that I didn't even appreciate until it was too late. With every fiber of my being I believed that I would become someone great, someone of note...that I would have a legacy for the children I was so destined to produce.
When I was with my boyfriend spending time with his family (a boyfriend I had as my boyfriend for about 7 and a half years or so and who today is still my greatest friend) I would talk about how I wanted to hurry up and get married, have kids, and was SO sure I was ready to take everything on. I was SURE I could be a great mom, I was SURE I could be a wonderful wife, I was SURE that all of our personal relationship drama would somehow work itself out. It's true, ignorance is bliss. And now? Now that I don't have that bright opened future I would have bet my life on so readily? Now I'm thoughtful of many other things, serious things, real things.
God really thought of everything didn't He? There's a reason teenagers are so short sighted, in my opinion, it allows us to jump out of the nest and fly in any direction we feel the wind is blowing us without being weighted down by the fears and baggage we're absolutely bound to contract later in life.
No longer a child, as a teen you strive for the independence you feel is your birthright and that you'll in many cases fight to protect, you take that and you run. You run as fast as you can until the world forces you to stop. And inevitably, it will force you to stop.
Stop and think about what you need from a high school relationship that just doesn't seem as wonderful as it did. Stop and think about taking care of your ailing parent. Stop and think about what you may have said and done to cause you such loneliness. Or even stopping to think about what the hell you're going to do next.
Living a life with alters is nothing like having a close group of friends who you can hang out with and go home alone. It's more like having a large chaotic family with very limited options on good days, and no options to mull over on others. Add to that the fact that you never have the whole story, you cannot possibly make everyone happy, and throw on some really loud obnoxious music just for good measure.
There are days (I'm sure I'm not the only person who's felt like this) that I can't hear myself think because my "selves" are too busy thinking for them...selves.
Did anyone follow that? Let's hope you did.

I don't feel that I'm at a cross roads, I don't feel like I'm alone (far from it actually), but I do feel that it would be completely irresponsible to bring a child into this chaos at this juncture in my life.
I know that there's never a perfect time to have a baby, at least, that's what people have told me, however there can absolutely be a wrong time and this, is simply the wrong time.
Here's how I know this to be true: I have a pre-baby bucket list.
To remind me why not now, when I pass by a mother holding an adorable baby.
It also helps that my friend's son has just jumped into the terrible two's with both feet. How she does it is beyond me because I spend two hours with him and I'm wiped out just watching him. It seems that his pattern as of late is, laughing, happy, and BAM meltdown, crying, inconsolable, angry...yeah...not ready for that.
I do understand that it's just a stage that he will grow out of and that really he just can't process how to handle his own emotions but still, I just sit there in shock watching him wondering how in the hell I could handle that.
I seriously fear being the mom that shows up on Dr.Phil who wants to bail on her own flesh and blood. Afterall, I doubt they set out to end up in such a place beforehand when they were thinking about having little junior.
All of that said, even if I only ever end up being the cool aunt...I have this list, which I've added to over the past year so that at least I won't jump the gun.

PRE BABY BUCKET LIST

Go to Europe
See a shooting star (check!)
Visit the grand canyon
Spend a week at a spa
Bathe in a natural mineral pool
Visit hawaii
Take a helicopter ride
Go to the superbowl (preferably to see my packers play, now this might not happen before I decide I want a child)
Visit colorado and go skiing stay at an amazing lodge resort
Take a road trip
Drive an amazing car
See matchbox 20 in concert if they ever get back together
Visit adre's grave
Break a window
Create something that people can appreciate long after i'm dead (this too is a life goal not necessarily a goal prior to procreating)
Find peace in my life

-Divided Mind-