I'm going to start out by saying that I don't get to decide on things by myself very often, it's usually based on a consensus or me giving in to an alter to avoid conflict.
For instance: the font that I choose to post each time (if you're wondering why it's not consistent) is always chosen by one of the "others". Years ago, I didn't know of their existence because I couldn't "hear" them in my head. But through therapy I began to bridge some semblance of a gap and let's just say they bolted over it. I went from being the only one deciding what I was going to do to then being at the mercy of the mob. Sometimes, they don't bother saying a word, others they're fighting over what I should do or what THEY should do, and even still other times they're arguing over things between one another and I'm "lucky" enough *heavy sarcasm* to listen to the yelling/screaming/bickering. It's alot like living in a busy family home...only my head is their house.
Like I said before however, I don't always hear them, many decisions I make without their interruption or at least no verbal interruption.
Sometimes I can struggle with simple things, like writing a note to myself on a piece of paper because Millie wants to draw instead, or Mac wants to write a shopping list of items she wants from Target, most recent of which consisted of: dish towels, yarn, a GI Joe and a cork. I'd like to say she's told someone what she wanted with all that crap but of course she says it's "secret" and until she decides to let us know we won't.
Okay now to some of your questions: How many are there? The honest answer is "I have no clue" The alters we DO know about refuse to tell anyone...in fact it's like some understood unwritten rule and we're not even sure why they won't tell us. For now we know of:
1. Mac (most active) 2. Ava (hyper sexual) 3. Anya (short for Anastasia and she is deaf) 4. Millie (youngest we know of possibly the first of all the alters) 5. Eve (Lesbian. Matriarch. Reasonable. Loving) 6. Eerie (O.C.D. cleaner/ farmer) 7. Molly (night guardian) 8. Rick (Does all manual labor the "girls" tell him to) 9. Angry alter who might be one of the above but remains at this point nameless and has only come out once.
We believe there are more that may be dormant, possibly fragments of personalities, or ones that "hide".
Which of them is your favorite?
Honestly, they all have different qualities. For Mac she's funny and endearing always ready to fight and defend herself and those she cares for, for Eve she's loving the mother of the family and surprisingly good at problem solving, for Anya she's got a very interesting sense of humor and though she's deaf just because you don't read sign language doesn't mean she can't communicate with you, which frankly I envy since I can hear and speak and sometimes just can't seem to pull out the words, for Ava, she's the super sexual one who is brazen and knows all the right things to do to please someone, for Eerie, she's very "career oriented", for Millie she endured a very painful time in my life so I didn't have to , and for that I feel she is one of the bravest. I guess to me there isn't a favorite and I'm sure that if I named one I'd be in a LOT of trouble with them ;)
I don't love them equally, but it's alot like asking me which star is my favorite, there are so many so different and alike it's impossible to choose.
How frequently do they come out?
As far as frequency my honest answer is it depends. On my week, on my day, some days they might not show up at all (that we know of), others I've lost an entire day or week to them. We do have some "regulars" Eve, Mac, Anya, and Ava. They're the most active of the known alters though we do not know how many of them there are but we do know that some have served their purpose and are now sort of....retired. However, the most active ones come out at least several times a week, sometimes just for a few hours sometimes just for a few moments, it really depends on their mood and mine. Alot of times when I'm really stressed or there's something devastating going on they'll come out to try and "handle" things.
Some only come out for a specific purpose too, like one will only come out for manual labor, another to deal with tension between the others or between me and someone I'm around...as a diffuser.
From some of the stuff you said as well I got the impression that they are all far more aware of what each other is thinking and doing then you?and how do you plan things like holidays ? if you had something you needed to do like an appointment that was booked ahead would they 'respect' that and stay away ?
Yes, they all know what one another is doing, in fact they supposedly share a "house" inside of me where they all live and interact. Some of them have secrets from others but for the most part everyone knows everyone's business including mine.
They do have the ability to "block out" one another from remembering or knowing certain things but I cannot. I don't know anything they say or do unless someone else tells me or it's on video or written down otherwise I sometimes don't even realize I've lost any time in my day at all.
Holidays go on as planned like most anyone else's but my husband's family does not know about the alters so, he has to do damage control and get them out of dodge if they refuse to go in until later on when no ones around....but most of the time they're agreeable to giving us space and coming back later...though they're not usually happy about it.
I have a business that is actually entirely based on appointments and though there have been many I've missed for my personal life, I rarely "miss" one for work, alot of times I'll realize I'm about to be late or I don't have enough time to get to the client because of wherever the alters have gone and so I call and tell them I need to reschedule.
Luckily since people have busy lives they're typically very understanding.
There have been times where I have missed an appointment but again I just call the client, offer some sort of compensation and reschedule and move on.
I can't dwell on what I can't control. I have a truce with the alters right now though (which could change any day) to let me go to work when I'm scheduled and then they can do whatever they want when I'm not "on the clock" so to speak as long as they let my husband or someone else know what they're doing or where they're going (though this part they do not always comply to).
It's not an easy system for me to live with nor is it for them but that's all we could settle on at this point.
If I have a busy day and want to go to sleep and one of them comes out will I get to rest?
This one is a little difficult to answer, some times yes and some times no...normally if they put me to bed once they're done being out and I continue sleeping then I usually don't feel tired the next day. I do struggle with insomnia however so in many cases at night they forget to put me to bed and I come "back" and then I feel exhausted and can't sleep.
If one of them has done something tiring do you feel the effects or does that stay with them ?
Usually I do feel the effects, however one of them we've learned does have a different heart rate than I do and another has a faster metabolism (Eve the chef in the family) we learned this from Mac going to the doctor and Eve eating like a cow but never gaining an ounce while I would have gained 10 pounds in one meal. The brain is a phenomenal thing.
Sometimes if they've just been crying and I come back my heart will ache, if they feel torn I usually can feel it though I don't always know why or how to fix it. Sometimes they're really angry and I can feel it, it causes me to become frustrated irritated and drained. If mac goes to the gym and I come back soon after I can feel the effects of a tiring workout....things like that are common in my daily life. OH and how could I forget? In MOST cases once I come back, I have a terrible migraine. And if I can hear them actually fighting inside that usually leads to a migraine as well.
How does your husband handle all of this and "them"?
As I've mentioned before, right now we're on a don't ask don't tell policy in most cases on a daily basis. You can't really imagine the emotional toll this takes on someone and how draining it can be on a couple (let alone a newly married couple), but at this point I only talk to my friend about it or "them" sometimes my husband if it's something I think he can help with but most of the time I handle them on my own, partly because I carry alot of guilt for having subjected him to them in the first place, partly because I just can't watch him become depressed about things he can't control, change, or fix.
Have they ever done anything that ended up being a big deal/problem?
Yes. Plenty. I in time intend to post alot of their escapades and adventures...
I'd love to read a book you wrote are you going to write one/have you?
No, at this time I have not finished a book. However, I am working on one and actually intend to use alot of what I disclose here to help me actually complete a book and get it published.
I think it will be therapeutic for all of "us".
What caused them to "materialize"?
The short answer is childhood sexual abuse, however I will later on disclose the actual goings on etc etc.
Are you going to let the alters write on your blog? Do they have blogs?
They do not have blogs that I am aware of. I would be happy to let them post on my blog and actually I know Eve for one is interested in doing so. Mac wants to as well however she is quite racist and doesn't really have a filter so that is still up for debate. I have told them that if they DO post they must state that they are not me, the "host" "DividedMind", and must state who they are and TRY not to be offensive.
Do you wish they would just go away?
I used to, but now that I've gotten to know their personalities I feel as if I'm connected to them in a way I just couldn't be with other people. I don't get to "talk" with them in my head as they can at this point not hear me when I've attempted to (yes I know this sounds crazy but you can blame my therapist for this). Right now our prime source of communication is txt files they leave me on my computer, also they leave messages with my friend or husband, post it notes, and at one point I had a journal for them which on a "bad day" Mac destroyed...so...no more book. Mac also takes videos of herself where she sometimes entertains herself and others relays messages to me. I don't wish they'd go away anymore though on really bad days I wish I could have peace and just be normal like everyone else but I do think everyone has days where they wish their lives weren't their own and I do owe them ALOT. Because of them I survived alot of trauma and was protected through my formative years. So no, I don't want them to go away. In fact, one of the goals that some people attempt to reach with D.I.D. is called "integration" which initially I was wanting to achieve blending them back into one person, me, the host. But THAT basically went to hell in a hand basket so now we're just working on reaching co-consciousness where I can be aware of what they're doing and when/with whom/why and *hopefully* get a vote in the decisions they make instead of just the other way around.
Let me know if you guys have more questions and later on when enough have accumulated I'll do another post like this one.
Thank you for the support, it truly is appreciated, by all of us.
-Divided Mind-
Amazing. I couldn't even imagine. You are an inspiration!
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