2 Reasons I'm awake.

Insomniac...yes I do believe I am sir.

When most of the world outside is sleeping, I'm reading, writing, watching dvr recordings, passing time until my body finally gives up the fight and I crash.
And tonight, like many nights before, I'm awake. Alone. Again.
For those that have ever suffered from perpetual insomnia I don't need to disclose how utterly empty many nights can feel. As a child whether or not I was asleep when everyone else was hardly registered as important on my radar. At that point staying up was cool, exciting, and gave me a heart pounding natural high trip...similar to what would happen when I would drink "Surge".
At this point in my life, going to sleep with everyone else is pretty much a pipe dream. I cannot fall asleep nearly ever when I attempt to even if I'm completely wiped out. And in the wee hours of the morning the one thing I wish I was doing was sleeping instead of thinking...daydreaming instead of ACTUAL dreaming.
It was one of these very nights that I decided to start this blog (which I absolutely think was one of the better ideas I've come up with I might add.), so I can't say that I've spent time alone that was a total waste.

Tonight I'm awake for two reasons: 1.) I had a fight with my husband (I was the one fighting really he just sat there...well...not...fighting). 2.) Because I can't sleep (ha ha...right? I know..). What we were fighting about is really unimportant to discuss here and I don't know that my fingers could handle the rage that might then descend on me. In the end he apologized, I didn't really say anything after everything I had said expressing myself in the beginning. It got to a point at which I was simply too tired to attempt "fixing" anything tonight. He said he was sorry, I do believe him, and so I wasn't going to bed mad. I'm not mad at all in fact nor was I when he was headed to bed so everything's fine.
Some days are good, some are great, some are okay, some are shitty. Today was good for the most part in my opinion and the only bad part was after an entirely nice day beforehand. I'd say that's fair. I'm thankful to not have nearly as many shitty days as I used to. Since the fight ended and my husband went to bed I've "woken up" barefoot in the street. Heading southwest away from my home with only a credit card on me.
Now that, is stressful. In the middle of the night the one thing you hope to always avoid is ending up in an unfamiliar place and missing shoes?! that's just...hrm...anyway.

With a vague sense of direction I began walking toward the house...I blinked...and I was in a park about a mile from my home though I'm not sure how far I was from where I'd just been a "moment" earlier. There was a large man smoking a cigarette and staring at me leaning up against his car. Truly, it's situations like this that run through my nightmares. I remember feeling thankful for just a moment simply because he wasn't on top of me and I wasn't being raped. Sad that that's where the bar was set tonight.
I began walking slowly away making every attempt to appear fearless in what was most definitely a situation pulling fear out of me through every last pore. I had made it to the end of the street and blink I'm sitting on my couch watching Dr.Phil reruns. Oh alters...you try to cover your tracks so well...
Let me just tell you, it's difficult to outsmart yourself. I can't really get one step ahead of them because they know me better than I know them...I really need a more offensive role. Putting locks on things, passwords, barriers, you name it. They will figure out a way through it, just like monkeys on crack. That's right people, crack monkeys.
Now that I'm home, still awake, sitting on the couch instead of sleeping in bed all I have to say is this really could have been a night much worse than what it turned out to be.
Even though I don't look forward to fighting with my husband, thinking about that sadly gives me a reprieve from my split second teleporting action I had been sporting earlier causing fear and guilt within me.
Just before I began this post I wrote a brief note to the girls regarding the evening's events here's what it said:
Girls-
I understand that some of you are extremely aroused by the idea of being about to get out at night, but please be careful with my body. Please don't get involved with men you meet somewhere, please don't go home with a stranger, please always bring a friend when you go out somewhere because it's dangerous for all of us.
I know this situation isn't ideal for everyone but it's important to me that we work together to live peacefully. If you have anything you want me to know or to do please feel free to reply in any way you find to be most convenient for you.
Love, Me.

For me this is a normal Saturday night.
-Divided Mind-