It's Mac's Birthday and she's as rad as a surfing monkey

Yes, we do celebrate Mac's birthday...or at least we have for the 2nd time in a row.
Her "real" birthday is April 1st, April fools day...coincidence? I think not.
This year on April Fools Day, I'm going to be holed up in my room with nothing to do except stare at my computer and write to you fine people. I sound so ungrateful for "time off", but truly I'm just not fantastic stuck at home for an extended period of time. I like to see and do things, often.
So, trying to avoid any unnecessary issues post surgery I decided to do something to celebrate her birthday early. How mom-like of me.
We went to the zoo and she loved it!
There were all sorts of animals and they looked as happy as animal looks when people are staring at it taking a crap. For me, I'd just attempt to hide and sleep through my day if living it meant it became a spectator sport.
Apparently at some point we came across mini ducks which were from China(?) I think...or maybe new guinea, they always have tiny beings coming out of that place...must be something in the water.
She named them: Fred, Violet, and Burt. She also found a small penguin stuffed animal with what looks like a koosh ball for a head which she decided to "allow" me to buy when my husband said he'd need my approval to buy it. Thinking I wouldn't be around to say yes...silly husband even I know she'd send me out like her right hook in a bar fight over Captain Planet.
During their tour of the park my husband started to talk to her about Kangaroos and how they're like over sized rabbits who keep their babies in their pouches to protect them from predators. Her response? " I'm not going to believe everything you tell me B, that sounds ridiculous and people are the only ones who carry their offspring in pouches. Duh. Really B what do you take me for? I'm 17 and I'm a woman of the world...hoes in every area code...okay bro? Next time try a believable story."
Ahh that's our Mac, always clarifying who the insane one is...

She also asked if she could "babysit" our baby or if her sisters were right when they said she couldn't. She told B that she wanted to teach the baby how to do all the essentials including: how to get a Mexican to do various duties, fart on cue, become a ninja, take care of horses and fish, and "be as rad as a surfing monkey". With all of that I'm sure my child will have as many years of therapy as I have.
Being the politically correct person my composed and honorable husband is he simply told Mac that when I got pregnant we would hold a family meeting to discuss what would and wouldn't be allowed hence forth.
We've never had a "family meeting" before and I find the concept a little foreign but I've been watching the alters on video from a flip camera recently and I feel enlightened and sometimes downright entertained by them. So I would definitely have to have B record it so I can view the reaction of the "family" and see if there's anything I or we can do to make things as smooth of a transition as possible.
I might post pictures from the zoo on here ...I've not yet decided.
-Divided Mind-

Next time wear as sign that says "judgemental" to warn me.

It seems as if in the past few days my life has just been a jumbled mess of what the fuck soup.
To start off my week right...I was trying to get the house cleaned up and settled prior to my surgery. This being my last week of work was going to be a tad sad for me as well already due to the fact I will not be physically able to go back to work for about three months. Which for me, is difficult #1 because my company is my "baby" and I absolutely LOVE my job & #2 because being a dog trainer that focuses solely on a family and their dog in their home it can be quite lucrative and I'm a fan of the green paper we trade around for modern day goods. That being said, I do need a break if I'm being honest with myself.
My dad recently had alot of biopsies done and found out that the tests were all negative thank God. But, my uncle who just got done taking care of my other uncle who just died of cancer, HAS cancer himself...and it's in the later stages. Not good. And he has 3 young kids...the eldest is only about...20? To me that's young at least.
I just hate that my family is going through all of this and I wish they could just get a break...a reprieve from everything.
That being said I made it through the week.
One day during this week though I was receiving texts from my friend who I haven't seen since I've been back from my trip.
I told her almost every day that I would like to see her whenever she has some time because she'd told me she'd been working overtime lately. Each time she told me she was busy or couldn't for some reason and I just gave up to be honest. I'm just not one of those people who really is going to bother chasing someone to spend time with them, frankly, I've got better shit to do.
Well, being that I'm the social person that I am, I go and hang out with other people and of course, my husband, just going about my life. I'd read things on facebook like "going out with (blank)to the movies" or "got my hair done" or something...whatever.
The next day my friend and I went house hunting because we're both considering renting/buying a new place in the same area together.
Well this other girl had a problem with that and I definitely caught her tone on facebook when she read my post about being excited to move and she was like "good for you" which if she was actually happy for me would have been accompanied by several exclamation points. I couldn't believe she was actually bothered by the fact I would be doing something better for my family, and if you're my friend you're going to support that because you love me. I mean, people move, it doesn't mean I wouldn't see you, hell at the rate we're now going I'd probably see you more this way. But she couldn't be happy for me because it's farther away from her. I swear it's like being in a relationship with a chick that I'm not boning.
Anyway, while out with one of my best friends (the same one I went house hunting with) and her son eating dinner I began receiving texts from this other girl friend of mine freaking out because I wasn't hanging out with her. Um, no. Because you told me you were busy. Duh. One text became two and so on and so on...basically writing the entire time I was at dinner while I wasn't saying anything in response because I was just shocked.
Mind you, every friend I have has warned me about this girl saying she was super clingy and they thought she was a nut case. I was always defending her because yeah she's naieve but I just didn't really feel like she was a bad person.
Well, when we got back to my friend's house while she was putting her son to bed I called my friend asking her basically what the fuck was wrong with her and what set her off and most of the time just repeating her name over and over trying to get her to chill the eff out. After hearing that she basically was just jealous I was hanging out with someone besides her. I tried explaining to her why this behavior was out of control and why it isn't her business who I hang out with because I have a life that goes beyond her. Then she told me that my behavior had become "erratic" and she "didn't know what was wrong with me but I didn't need to spend all that time" with my friend and her son because he wasn't even my nephew. I was like "well you're being crazy right now and so I'm going to let you go and I'll call you tomorrow once you've calmed down" her response?"That's just the drugs talking" and hung up.
Are you fucking kidding me bitch? First of all I am not "on" drugs, my behavior is anything but erratic, I go to work, take care of my husband, hang out with my friends, take care of my house, pay bills...you know, grown up stuff.
This friend by the way, lives with her parents, doesn't pay rent, and her parents are literally insane, hate everyone, trust no one, and even my friend can't stand them...but all the sudden she's "hanging out" with them. My point is, she's not out in the real world where adults have priorities and obligations and life is expensive...
I was shocked she would even say things that were first mean and second way the fuck out of line. She'd overtexted, she's overreacted, but being a fucking asshole intentionally? not normally.
The next day she tried telling me that she was just drunk...hmm at 6p.m. ? Wouldn't that mean you're the one with the erratic behavior? And substance abuse issues? Oh wait, that's a lie because you have no one to go out drinking with because you're underage and your parents would never be cool with you drinking at their house. Nice try acting like you were just some out of control drunk bitch, because I haven't forgotten all the shit you said about not being able to throw up (because of a surgery she got when she was young), that's why you don't get drunk. I was just like yeah well a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. She wasn't taking responsibility for what she did/said, she was just trying to pass the buck yet again acting like a victim. Mind you, all of this was completely unprevoked, the day before this happened she had asked me to feed her horses (which is a 1 hr process) and I did as a favor to her.
Well, regardless, every day this week I had been reminding her about this movie that was coming out friday that we had been planning to go see opening night together for over a month. Well, friday in the morning I texted her and basically confirmed with her that we were still going to go she said yes, we agreed on 8p.m. but then she said it would be packed so I was like okay do you want to go later? And she said no because she had work early in the morning...I was like "okay well I guess we'll go at 8 then".
I needed a nap because I had a horrible migraine but I set my alarm for 7 and went to bed.
I woke up promptly at 7 and texted her and was like "so what time do you want to meet there?" no response. So I call, the first time I call it goes straight to voicemail, the second time it just rang and rang.
About 20 minutes go by and I send a text saying that I'll just leave now and meet you there. Then she texts me back saying that she didn't think we were going to go so she made other plans with someone else. I sent a text saying wow. i told you 8. wow. I was PISSED. Then I told her as much and that it was bullshit that she didn't even have the balls to call me and say she made other plans or text me or even answer MY calls because she was too chicken shit to deal with it. I told her we had these plans for a month and she knew it and bailed, once again. I am just done. Soooo done.
She acts like a sheltered little teenager who's so immature and has probably had a stick up her ass since I've been back because she didn't come on a trip with me that I invited her to go to and SHE told me she couldn't go. I told her that I have never done anything like that to her and she knew we had plans and to stop acting as if it was just a miscommunication and not her being a fucking bitch.
I'm at a point in my life where I simply just don't have time for stupid high school shit like that. I'm an adult, with a business, with a family, and with obligations none of which concern you.
So I'm not going to play along, I simply don't have the time or the energy to waste and for what? Someone who hasn't bothered to make a point to hang out with me in a month? Who's being judgmental and fucking wrong I might add? No. Fuck you.
She wanted me to wait to see the movie with her today as if she was going to pencil me in to her very busy life. hah. right. No bitch. I'm going to go see it with my husband because it's Friday night and that's what my plan has been for over a month so I apologize that my world once again doesn't revolve around you and yours.
The funniest part about all of this is that me and the friend I HAVE been hanging out with were nothing but good friends to this girl who's now treating us both like shit. But eventually, she'll have to look around and she's going to notice she's got no friends and her family still sucks and want her to live at home with them forever. So yeah, peace out dude.
This morning my husband asked me if I was still upset about what happened last night, my simple and honest answer was no that it simply wasn't important enough to keep on my radar or become stressed over. He complimented me today on how much calmer I seemed which made me smile because I used to be rather uptight and I'll admit that caused me to get upset much more easily than I do now. I consider myself to be more of a pacifist now just because I know better than most how important time is and I just need to make now, my present, everything I want it to be because tomorrow might never happen for me.
I'm simply happier and relaxed person, I'm at peace with things and the truth of the matter is, nothing is that pressing, nothing is THAT important, just breathe.
Namaste Bitches.
-Divided Mind-

Daddy's little disappointment

As I've said in earlier posts, I'm not currently speaking with my mother for reasons I've already disclosed. Last night however, I had talked to my best friend and my husband about touching base with my father to try and tell him where I was in all of this and why I'd made the decision not to speak to my mother up to this point.
Well...he beat me to the punch.
This afternoon I was still sleeping (as I'd been up until 4 am this morning stressed out and trying to collect my thoughts) and he called me.
My greatest fear was that if I did talk to him that he wasn't going to listen to me or believe what I had to say as has been the case in the past. He typically listens to what I tell him but usually disagrees with what I disclose assuming my mother just simply wouldn't do or say things for the express purpose of making my life hell. Plus, in the past my mother has told me that my dad feels I only call him when I'm fighting with her, which of course isn't true because I do call him to catch him up on things in my life and to see how he's doing as well...but regardless, that's what she told me so it did add to my fear of talking to him after my mother and I had a falling out.
Well, I'd love to say that things went smoothly and he and I were on the same page but if I did I would be lying to you and myself.
I tried explaining to him that he was only getting pieces of the story that best suited my mother's needs and that she often only told him what best supported her argument and didn't actually tell him everything at all. He told me he wanted me to apologize to my mother and that I owed it to her because what happened between us was my fault because I hadn't signed over the house to her back when they asked me to. I told him I thought that's what I had done because that's what SHE told me we were doing (this happened a couple of years ago) when I went with her to a realtors office. Now at the age of 19 I have to say that I simply didn't know any better and I trusted my mother when she told me that's what we were doing when the truth was I was just signing a release for the realtor to put my house on the market.
Months later, my mom told me I hadn't signed over the house...almost 8 months later. At that point the house had already been in foreclosure and now I was stuck on the sinking ship.
My mom likes to say that I wasn't listening that she told me that I hadn't signed over the house and I just wouldn't listen. This entire time she has held on to a delusion that we could "save" the house when we simply couldn't afford it and when my father told me that my husband and I decided to move out before we were locked out of our own house. My husband and I had even offered to pay 900 a month in rent to help out with bills but my mother refused to agree saying we either paid all of it or we were out on our ass. Keep in mind up until that point I had been giving her the money to pay the entire mortgage for months and she just spent the money on other crap and completely neglected to pay the bills for my house at all. After that, I was having to stop working because we were going to be moving relatively soon so my income was going to be less than before.
Of course my father this entire time has been told that my mom tried to give me a way out and I was being a brat and I didn't take the opportunity when I had it.
While talking to him on the phone I tried explaining why at this point in my life I simply cannot deal with the drama she subjects me to any longer. I told him that I still wanted to have a relationship with him but not with her. He then told me they were a package deal and that if the shoe were on the other foot and he had had a falling out with my husband that it wouldn't be fair to just try and see me. To which I responded with "Well, the difference is my husband hasn't ever DONE anything to you to warrant you wanting nothing to do with him which is clearly not the case here." . I told him that I wanted to see him and talk to him and I didn't want him to be cut off from me because I don't want to deal with her shit anymore. I told him that there had been years and years of things that had gone on between her and I that he had only ever heard one side of because every time I ever tried telling him what happened he'd always tell me she was my mom and I needed to apologize and make things right between us.
I even told him how she'd talked to Mac and told her that she knew how to repair things between us but wasn't going to do it and that if I decided I didn't want anything to do with her then that was just fine with her and she could care less that it was all on me.
He asked me if I thought she meant that and I told him that I did believe she meant it because that's the way she is. When she thinks she's right then that's it and there's not anything that anyone could say or do to change her mind. Period.
Then he told me that I was a bitch to her at the wedding when it came to the pictures and I wasn't smiling or anything...which wasn't true I just told her to stop trying to micromanage everything because the photographers were there to organize the photos not her.
Earlier that day she'd already threatened to cause a scene at my wedding, mind fucked,
I told him that I wanted to see him, with my surgery coming up I just...want the support of my father because all of this is pretty unnerving for me. He told me he would try but he didn't know if he could afford it. I told him I understood. I don't by the way. Mostly because when I told him that I still wanted a relationship with him and to share with him and see him he had this to say : Well then I'll talk to you. As if he was doing his country a favor or something.
It's times like that that I end up feeling like a total fool thinking : Okay, I spent my entire life making up and mending fences with my crazy psycho bitch mother so that I could have you, dad in my life. And what do you have to say? "Okay, then I'll talk to you" Well thank you so much for being a father.
The entire purpose of me not calling him when the shit between my mother and I went down was to help avoid a situation JUST LIKE THIS. Where he might have to choose sides. I wanted him to just...not be involved.
I tried telling him about everything, everything that led up to this argument and why that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. But just like I feared, he assumed I just misunderstood the last almost 24 years of my life...and that my mother would neeeever do anything to hurt me because she loves me SOOOOO much.
If he only knew.
I recently had a revelation: I couldn't understand WHY my mother never wanted to take me to the doctors even when I was sick...really sick...as in...HOSPITAL ADMISSION sick. I thought about what she told people over the years, she told them I didn't need to go every year since I was being home schooled and so I didn't need the vaccinations. I also realized that I'd never been to the same doctor twice in the entire 9 years I lived at home with them. Odd, as it is usually the case that unless a family moves alot that the children in said family would see the same family practitioner for years. So why didn't I go? Because my mother used to beat the shit out of me and would leave the marks on areas that were covered by clothing or the hair on my head. Conveniently, my father never saw me naked either, so there wouldn't have been an opportunity during my childhood where he would have seen the bruises either.
So there, another wonderful family skeleton laid to rest. But as far as my dad knows the only one she ever physically laid a hand on was him with the exception of the few cracks in the face he saw her throw me over the years.
I feel as though even if I set out to be a shitty parent that I couldn't ATTEMPT let alone SUCCEED at being the type of "mother" she has been.
Then he brought up how I wasn't smiling in pictures with her which I jumped on right away because I told him I had every last picture taken at that wedding and I was smiling in every last photo. Then he said "well I could tell it was forced." YEAH dad it was, because my mother was trying to micromanage photographers who I HIRED to do MY wedding for over 5500 bucks and she needed to shut the fuck up and smile. And forced or not me pushing through the bullshit and putting on a smile and not causing a scene in front of friends and family on my wedding day only speaks in my favor to my CHARACTER. On top of everything earlier that day every last person in the salon doing everyone's hair wanted to kill my mother as my wedding gift based on the shit she was starting. He was like "well I wasn't there so I don't know" And I'm like "That is my point right there, you weren't there so you only hear what she wants you to and are only told what she wants you to know to support her side because if you believed me and agreed with me she'd have no ability to control you and would end up alone. I have no reason to lie about any of it and if you don't believe me then everything played out exactly how I had feared it would and that's unfortunate. For one day in my entire life it was supposed to be about me and MY husband. And she absolutely couldn't handle not being the cause of drama and discord yet again in my life and I didn't let her steal that moment away from me. For once I didn't play her game and frankly, I'm proud of that.
At the end of all this I guess him and I are speaking again, I still don't really appreciate my father saying he'd talk to me as if it was a favor he was doing for a friend rather than the incentive a father should instill in his one and only child.
For my part, I could never sacrifice the relationship I wanted to have with my child for any significant other. My child is my child, come hell or high water I intend to be the parent that they deserve when they are born into this world. End of story.
Maybe all this is really for the best, I'm terrified of being like my parents, or worse, but the more time goes on and the more I bother to talk, the more often I find out how wrong about a person I really was.
-Divided Mind-

2 Reasons I'm awake.

Insomniac...yes I do believe I am sir.

When most of the world outside is sleeping, I'm reading, writing, watching dvr recordings, passing time until my body finally gives up the fight and I crash.
And tonight, like many nights before, I'm awake. Alone. Again.
For those that have ever suffered from perpetual insomnia I don't need to disclose how utterly empty many nights can feel. As a child whether or not I was asleep when everyone else was hardly registered as important on my radar. At that point staying up was cool, exciting, and gave me a heart pounding natural high trip...similar to what would happen when I would drink "Surge".
At this point in my life, going to sleep with everyone else is pretty much a pipe dream. I cannot fall asleep nearly ever when I attempt to even if I'm completely wiped out. And in the wee hours of the morning the one thing I wish I was doing was sleeping instead of thinking...daydreaming instead of ACTUAL dreaming.
It was one of these very nights that I decided to start this blog (which I absolutely think was one of the better ideas I've come up with I might add.), so I can't say that I've spent time alone that was a total waste.

Tonight I'm awake for two reasons: 1.) I had a fight with my husband (I was the one fighting really he just sat there...well...not...fighting). 2.) Because I can't sleep (ha ha...right? I know..). What we were fighting about is really unimportant to discuss here and I don't know that my fingers could handle the rage that might then descend on me. In the end he apologized, I didn't really say anything after everything I had said expressing myself in the beginning. It got to a point at which I was simply too tired to attempt "fixing" anything tonight. He said he was sorry, I do believe him, and so I wasn't going to bed mad. I'm not mad at all in fact nor was I when he was headed to bed so everything's fine.
Some days are good, some are great, some are okay, some are shitty. Today was good for the most part in my opinion and the only bad part was after an entirely nice day beforehand. I'd say that's fair. I'm thankful to not have nearly as many shitty days as I used to. Since the fight ended and my husband went to bed I've "woken up" barefoot in the street. Heading southwest away from my home with only a credit card on me.
Now that, is stressful. In the middle of the night the one thing you hope to always avoid is ending up in an unfamiliar place and missing shoes?! that's just...hrm...anyway.

With a vague sense of direction I began walking toward the house...I blinked...and I was in a park about a mile from my home though I'm not sure how far I was from where I'd just been a "moment" earlier. There was a large man smoking a cigarette and staring at me leaning up against his car. Truly, it's situations like this that run through my nightmares. I remember feeling thankful for just a moment simply because he wasn't on top of me and I wasn't being raped. Sad that that's where the bar was set tonight.
I began walking slowly away making every attempt to appear fearless in what was most definitely a situation pulling fear out of me through every last pore. I had made it to the end of the street and blink I'm sitting on my couch watching Dr.Phil reruns. Oh alters...you try to cover your tracks so well...
Let me just tell you, it's difficult to outsmart yourself. I can't really get one step ahead of them because they know me better than I know them...I really need a more offensive role. Putting locks on things, passwords, barriers, you name it. They will figure out a way through it, just like monkeys on crack. That's right people, crack monkeys.
Now that I'm home, still awake, sitting on the couch instead of sleeping in bed all I have to say is this really could have been a night much worse than what it turned out to be.
Even though I don't look forward to fighting with my husband, thinking about that sadly gives me a reprieve from my split second teleporting action I had been sporting earlier causing fear and guilt within me.
Just before I began this post I wrote a brief note to the girls regarding the evening's events here's what it said:
Girls-
I understand that some of you are extremely aroused by the idea of being about to get out at night, but please be careful with my body. Please don't get involved with men you meet somewhere, please don't go home with a stranger, please always bring a friend when you go out somewhere because it's dangerous for all of us.
I know this situation isn't ideal for everyone but it's important to me that we work together to live peacefully. If you have anything you want me to know or to do please feel free to reply in any way you find to be most convenient for you.
Love, Me.

For me this is a normal Saturday night.
-Divided Mind-

Mac and "Jola" the GPS

Like many Americans in need of direction (pun intended) I have a GPS.
I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that it can be both a life saver and a total pain in the ass. Thank you technology.
I got my GPS as a gift from my husband a couple of Christmases ago due to the fact I do a TON of driving for my job and also because we were going to be moving to a new state the following summer (I was going to need all the help I could get to navigate the new terrain).
Before we moved the alters never had to use the GPS themselves because they knew the area and where they were going, but moving to a new state forced us to begin depending on "jola" -as we have affectionately named "her".
Now my husband who sometimes gets bored in the car (because driving isn't enough to keep him occupied...) and to keep him interested he occasionally puts the GPS settings on in french. Mind you, in my humble opinion, I think the GPS can be annoying enough in English let alone having me bother to try and interpret what is actually being said, my husband on the other hand finds this activity to be most entertaining.
At some point during one of our driving adventures Mac arrived and was amazed that my husband was listening to the GPS. She decided to do a little experiment of her own by telling my husband to turn in other directions contrary to the GPS "demands". He told Mac that even though she wanted to give him directions the "GPS lady" was doing a fine job of that already. At that moment Mac heard the french speaking GPS say what sounded to HER like "TURN YOU DOUCHE!"....to which Mac responded with "I'm NOT A DOUCHE YOU'RE A DOUCHE! I HATE YOU STUPID GPS LADY!!!".....of course my husband couldn't let go of an opportunity to further entertain himself so he baited her by saying "She called you a douche? How rude!" .
The gps gave another set of directions which to mac sounded like "Turn and go" ...not to be bossed around by anyone...Mac shot back with " YOU KNOW WHAT?!? JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRENCH DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!!! I SMELL BETTER, HAVE MORE FRIENDS, AND B (my husband) LIKES ME MORE THAN YOU SO GUESS WHO'S EXPENDABLE HERE!? YOU! WHORE!!!" a second later the GPS continued giving yet another direction...and Mac had this to say: "I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE MORE ANNOYING THAN YOU FRENCH JOLA! YOU ARE THE REASON BABIES CRY AND ALCOHOLICS DRINK!! DO THIS GO THERE BLAH BLAH BLAH! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS THAT WE GET TO GET OUT OF THE CAR WHILE YOU JUST STAY IN THAT LITTLE BOX ALL ALONE! SHUT UP AND GO EAT SOMETHING AND LEAVE US ALONE!!!"
A moment passes and they reach their destination which Jola had to announce.
Without a second thought Mac punched the GPS and told B that she couldn't believe he hired this crazy french woman to give him directions while berating everyone in the car and quote "stealing his manhood and putting it in a zip lock baggie".
Needless to say, my husband keeps the GPS on English now so as to avoid further confrontation between Mac and what she now refers to as "Darth GPS lady".
To this day Mac truly believes there is someone in the little gps "box" that my husband hired to help us get around which she says is fine as long as "she's not french and has manners".
And you thought you got frustrated with your GPS.
-Divided Mind-

Is it just me or is codependency on the rise?

Perhaps you could argue I'm being judgemental.
Something about a conversation I had with my friend (whom I've just come back from visiting) really spurred something in me to jump online to share these thoughts with you.

He had told me earlier today via text message (thank you technology.) that he'd just been out to eat with a friend who I'm somewhat acquainted with (I feel like I can say that because we've made out before and hung out maybe a handful of times...so that must count lol). I asked him if he enjoyed himself and he said he was pretty "over it" after it had begun. He said it was the same old story on a different day. She has been in an unhappy relationship with a total douchebag for a few years and owns a house with him, she seeks out what her relationship is lacking in other men and I suppose in my case, women, sexually and emotionally. She's cheated on this boyfriend on and off with different men several times. Each situation with each guy was significant not just in that it was often sexual, but also because it wasn't a one night stand and over. And though she is openly unhappy with him she feels she can't leave because they have a house together. They're not able to afford the house they live in even together and she just doesn't know what would happen if she ended things and had to handle it alone and her ex would have nowhere to stay no car to drive etc. Now here's my reaction to this situation: That's insane. Just end it, it's over anyway just cut eachother loose and let the chips fall where they may. You aren't happy and if he knew you were cheating on him he wouldn't be happy with you either. You argue, you don't like each other so LEAVE. Frankly, no property you could ever own is worth keeping while you go crazy inside of it. She's unhappy with her life, okay...I'd be at the front of the line to say there's some shit in my life I really would have loved to had never experienced, but here's the good news YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE ALL BY YOURSELF!! Is this shocking to anyone? I mean it's certainly understandable that by leaving your boyfriend who you don't like you run the risk of being alone for a change but hey? his company wasn't good enough for you anyway. I'm becoming more and more alarmed when it comes to women and relationships because I am always hearing about how awful their relationship is and why they won't leave because they've "been through so much together" "he understands me". Okay well if that were true or enough then you wouldn't be so messed up about things between you. And just because you've been through alot together doesn't mean that's some sort of badge of honor necessarily, sometimes you "go through alot" because together it's drama all the time. I feel like we as women are built, genetically programmed to do the best we can with what we have instead of slapping on a skirt and heading out to hunt for bigger prey. I also believe that when you decide to stop settling for a cheating loser boyfriend or even just a relationship with someone you simply don't love, that EVERY women can cultivate her inner hunter. It can be a liberating experience in more ways than one.
This same girl who I was speaking about earlier had also been freaking out about having been accepted to a college (which you'd think would make someone happy?) she applied to to continue her current degree path. All because she's terrified of the unknown and horrible with change (a sentiment I'm extremely familiar with in my past).
I have yet another friend of mine who spends hours on the phone with her boyfriend when she's away from him as if she's in high school (she's not by the way), says they're the disgustingly cute couple, that things are so much better between them and so on.
Here's the history of this relationship: When they were together a couple of years ago she ended up in another relationship with someone else so they broke up. She then moved out of the state to be with a new boyfriend and then left him because she started talking to her ex again. She then moved back to where she'd come from and got back with her ex who was at the time then trying to break up with his current girlfriend. Then when she came back from visiting with me for my wedding her boyfriend broke up with her the DAY she returned. No she hadn't done anything while she was visiting for him to be upset about...he just said he needed time and had apparently been wanting to because of issues of theirs he'd never bothered to discuss with her.
Not even a month later they got back together, she's all lovey dovey with him and says all the mushy gushy crap but I feel like if you have to try and make it that obvious to everyone how awesome everything between you is, it isn't actually that awesome. Either you're trying to convince me or yourself in either case it's not really a great situation. Since she was gone to visit me this week he's begun asking her ring size and has mentioned marriage and I'm guessing he's planning on proposing in the near future. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for it truthfully because I want her to be happy and if she is I'll just have to try and ignore the schematics of the situation. If you've broken up before though, it's never ever the same and I've to this day not ever actually met anyone who got back with their ex and was better for it or happier.
It's certainly possible that that exists however.
Years ago,
Yes... I was afraid that if I broke up with my boyfriend that no one would ever love me again like he did and he'd never want me back so I'd be in loveless limbo until I met my maker.
I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of being with someone new worried I might not ever feel more for someone than I did for the guy I was with. Here's the reality: Life is going to continue, without that guy who you can't stand or be faithful to, and if you're too scared shitless to stand up for yourself no one else is going to find prince charming for you. Respect yourself enough to call it quits and then focus on you instead of someone else, don't be a victim of codependency. If you stay, you're not a victim of circumstance you're a victim of your own thinking and because of that you will continue to participate in an empty relationship.
And here's a good way to tell if you need to get out of your relationship: If you're wondering what life would be like without them or dream of them being different or your relationship magically improving. Time to get the fuck out. And that means stay out don't go back out of fear or the dellusion things are going to be different the second time. No little girl dreams of a guy sitting on the couch living off a government check who doesn't cook, clean, or show interest in his wife. So why do we allow ourselves to continue being miserable? Go out there and hunt!
-Divided Mind-

Gone like yesterday's news.

Hey everyone!
Time for an update!

Work, friends, and alters have been pretty much sucking up my days recently.
I believe I mentioned to all of you that I had an ex boyfriend in town and I knew that if I didn't go to visit him then Ava would.

Well, his stay is going to be a bit more permanent then what I originally thought...he's decided to get a condo downtown and commute via plane to NY and LA when necessary. I guess this would be a good time to also mention he's a singer/songwriter (who shall remain nameless due to the fact he's very introverted and likes his privacy which I can certainly relate to) and so he travels from time to time to work. In recent years he's focused more on writing music than singing himself and so his ability to avoid meeting new people has cut down alot. How he got himself into a business when he'd rather be a hermit I'll never know. lol.
This is also the reason he is trying to avoid meeting my friends and/or husband...

The difficult part of this is that though I believe his intentions in visiting with me are completely pure if Ava offers herself to him, I'm pretty sure not many guys on the planet would pass up an opportunity like that...which is what I'm afraid of. On top of the fact that my ex does not know about the alters. AT ALL.

Two mornings ago I found myself in a suite at the W hotel looking out over the city feeling recently full. Looking around I found two plates and a cup of coffee and tea....french toast and eggs over easy...not what I would have chosen for breakfast. The bed was made so that quickly took away the fear that I had spent the night there with him...but looking around I was still nervous. A moment later my ex came in (fully clothed) handed me a book he had read and thought I'd enjoy. Trying to blend in but also attempting to gather information as to how and when I got there...I looked at my phone pretending to yawn and asked "how long have I been here? I prolly have to get going to work soon (which was true)..."
He told me I'd gotten there about 3 hours ago....meaning about 7 am.
He said I'd called him telling him I was starving and there was nothing to eat and he'd invited me over to have breakfast, talk, and watch t.v.
I looked at the remnants on the plate and was half happy that I'd not been around to endure eating something I would have pretty much hated.
I talked with him a while and ordered a glass of orange juice...maybe it was stress but I was all the sudden parched. Nothing nefarious took place but as I was going downstairs on the elevator I felt a tightness in my chest...a total fear of what was to come.
I checked my text messages and call lists...nothing. Ava must be covering her tracks and probably didn't expect me to come out when she was spending time with him...
I'm leaving town to go visit friends for a week and I'm hoping and praying that while I'm gone Ava will lose interest in my ex entirely...a pipe dream at best.
Like I've said before, I'm on my own when it comes to the alters agendas because my husband and I have a standing agreement to avoid talking about them unless we absolutely positively have to.

In the weeks to come I will be getting surgery on my knee (total knee replacement) which according to my doctors will take about 3 months of recovery time. Come the fall I'll be getting a second surgery on my other leg and the following spring yet another surgery...sigh.
But until I get the surgery I'm trying to finish up with all of my clients for my business as well as pack as much fun into my days as possible.

On another note, my mom's been calling me lately, I've just sent her to voicemail or ignored the calls, no voicemails yet from her.
I'm wondering if she remembers that I'll be leaving town soon and is going to try and meet me where I'm going to "spend time" with me. I don't intend to talk to her at all at least until I come back from my week long vacation. I need space...I don't want to talk....still have nothing to say to her. Plus, this vacation is ME time...I need to enjoy MYSELF and not have to worry about entertaining her or dealing with her drama. I take this as either a good first step or a giant mistake...but I really feel like it's what's best for me right now.
I'm not a victim and I refuse to keep playing her games with her anymore, I'm out I'm done and she needs to start respecting me.

I know that my posts are sometimes a little while apart right now but just hang in there because as soon as I'm stuck with my leg in bed you guys are going to be the only ones keeping me sane! All I'll have time for is sleeping and updating! Haha.
-Divided Mind-