Two days ago I found out that my Aunt died of alcoholism. She was in her mid thirties and within a week of ending up in the hospital...was dead.
It seems that people dying in my life happens in three's. My uncle, also young, died a week before my wedding in October...now my aunt is dead...and to make matters worse my father (who's side of the family has been rapidly leaving this planet), also is sick, I believe, with cancer, though he will not discuss it nor will he see a doctor. His mother, my grandmother, has been in the hospital and has undergone 2 surgeries and while she was doing very well (a milestone for a 93 year old woman), she has taken a turn for the worse.
This year alone I've lost 6 people in my life who've been such a big part of it that having them gone almost seems unreal. For my part, I don't really deal with things, I compartmentalize them, ignore them, never dealing with them...leaving them triggers that are able to intervene at any moment. And it is not as if I'm unaware I'm running away as fast as I can, in truth, I prefer it. Trauma seems like a permanent fixture in my journey in this life, not that I believe I'll ever have another, I do hope I only have to endure living once.
I'm so withdrawn from dealing with things, I actually "check out" and am replaced with "selves". Fragments, of who I am, could be, might be...creative fallacies that are filled with as much emotion as can be experienced by any one person, yet split into many people within my mind. Mac, is responsible for controversial and protective motivations, she lacks insight into what might effect me based on what she does. Though she understands we share the same body, she has convinced herself that any consequence of her actions will fall solely on her, not us, not...them. She's fiercely loyal to those she considers friends, she loves activity, she's funny and out going. In those ways we're not that different, but in others we stand in stark contrast. She is irresponsible, and if we disagree with things she wants to do much like a rebellious teenager, she'll go and do it and refrain from any contact until she's finished. She doesn't have a problem with drugs, I do. And just in case you're wondering, no, there aren't medications available to keep the alters "in". She's a free spirit, who embraces every second as if it was her last and for that I'm a little jealous. Being the most social of all the alters, she is always going out to meet strangers, she has no sense of mortality or danger as she truly believes she could quickly put an end to any foul play. She's so strong...both physically and emotionally.
Most of the time, I feel like I am strong too. Like I can handle anything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. But now...I feel drained. Totally and completely. There are so many things I'd like to work on like: my business, my home, my horse, my life...but I'm just tired. Too tired. I'm usually super independent, driven, social, and for the most part, happy...or at least as happy as I know to be.
But slowly...the drama in my life has begun to weigh me down. And I'll admit I'm not helping matters. I've been avoiding alot of things I should be doing to take care of myself. I've lost touch within myself. I stopped going to therapy, one cancelled appointment because I was exhausted over my grandmother ending up in the hospital and bam, I go AWOL. I guess I feel as if I've got a huge warehouse worth of traumatic crap in my past, and in therapy I'm supposed to open each box, deal with the past, and then put it away so that it doesn't take away from my present after it's been properly "handled". But every time I turn around I feel like someone is dying on me adding only more boxes to the warehouse making it seem impossible to sift through in one lifetime. I feel like something major is always infecting my life. My sanity even... I haven't been calling my best friend because I don't want to cry or sound like a broken record about my life being the shit storm that it seems to be. I've not even mentioned that I, myself, am going to need surgery. 2 in fact, that total will leave me rehabbing my legs for a year. An entire year of my life will be spent with surgeries and recovery. Just as years ago when I injured my back, years, and I do mean years, were taken from me. My dreams to continue my career at Julliard were not just put on hold but abolished. I feel like I'm swirling around in an ocean and every time I stand up to get my footing another wave crashed down on me tearing me from the safety of the shore and drowning me.
I'm sure that there are plenty of people that have it worse than me. But just typing out a small portion of what's been going on in my life leaves me feeling like I need a nap and a hug. How pathetic is that? I guess I don't even know where to start turning things around let alone how.
Maybe the answers will come to me in my dreams....maybe the alters will have ideas....I'm open to anything at this point.
-Divided Mind-
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