Breakups

The only truthful answer I have for that is..."I don't know".
Right now, I'm caught in the middle of one of my good friends going through a break up...or "taking a break" though I'm not sure what the difference is...since people who get back together after taking a break are never happy once they realized nothing has changed since they decided to take a break in the first place. Her boyfriend right now is basically losing control and has been acting like he doesn't know why they broke up or understand the concept of space at all. He shows up places he knows she would be, keeps trying to talk to her when she isn't ready, all the while completely ignoring what she's told him. If he listened to what she wanted or what she was trying to tell him he wouldn't have so many questions. He's right now feeling like a victim, blaming all of his problems on the world rather than himself and taking responsibility for his actions and playing an active role in his own life.
He keeps acting like nothing is wrong or as if she couldn't possibly understand how HE feels. I'm trying to be there for her...she needs support. Since they took their break he's fallen off the deep end for lack of a better phrase. He's made the whole thing worse for everyone and has even tried contacting me trying to get me to make her talk to him. Ultimately, I know what he wants, he wants the break to be over, he wants her to be back with him and he wants things to go back to the way they were, even though she doesn't want to be with someone who treats her the way he had been treating her.
I'm sure some of you know what it's like to be put in the middle of someone else's breakup and frankly it's a lose lose situation. I made a point of telling him that when SHE was ready she'd talk to him, that in the meantime he needed to give her space that she requested, and to leave me out of it since my involvement will simply not help. He tried manipulating me by asking if I was his friend inferring that if I was I'd make her talk to him. At this point, I believe she could do way better than him, in recent days he's presented a side of himself that neither her nor I even knew he was capable of. He's becoming the creepy stalker ex that most everyone has had some experience with but dutifully put out of their minds.
I guess the part that bothers me in all this is that he doesn't seem to have boundaries. There seems to be nothing he won't do to try and get her to do what he wants her to. And before this breakup, she was unhappy...she didn't feel appreciated, she felt as if he ignored what she cared about, blew her off when she tried talking to him about something or pushed the issue back onto her. He even threatened to hit her and refused to let her leave when she was scared of him. He's jobless, which he blames me for (long story but the short version is that it had nothing to do with me), he doesn't apply himself when it comes to school (he's failed out once before and doesn't seem like he's taking it anymore seriously than before), he has no ambition, he's dishonest with her, controlling, living at his parents house, and seems to have no dedication to changing those things. Not to mention she was sad or angry all of the time because they were constantly fighting. Like I told her, if this isn't the guy you'd marry tomorrow just as things are now, then you need to get out until it changes (which it probably won't for a long time, which I also told her). When you're dating, that's the best it's EVER gonna get, so if you don't love it, move on. This is her first love, so part of her misses him, part of her loves him, and part of her doesn't know if she'll ever find anyone "as good as him". Like I told her, I'll support her no matter what she chooses but at 20 years old she's got plenty of life ahead of her to figure out what she wants and with whom she wants it.

I dated someone very much like the guy I'm describing. I stayed with him for many years because I loved him. Eventually I came to the conclusion that love was simply not enough. It isn't enough to bet your future on. Love doesn't pay the bills, fix the fights, support a family, and all of that is part of being a respectable adult. After I left him, my heart was broken (even though I did the leaving), but I threw myself into my work, my friends, MY life. About 6 months later I met the perfect man. He's honest, funny, respectful, he's very loving, and is committed to our future. He has a good job and provides the security we need to survive. I can talk to him, cry on his shoulder, lean on him, and love him in a way I never knew was possible. I married him this past October and though not every day is perfect, our marriage is. I knew what my life would have been like had I stayed with my ex, and though I love him, I know I couldn't deal with subjecting a family and a future to such turbulence.
I really hope that my friend finds peace in her decision, I hope that she allows herself to find out what's out there in the world for her and finds someone worthy of the person she is. If this guy turns his act around, maybe it could be him.

I suppose I'm writing about all this because I can so easily identify with what she's going through and truly my heart aches that she's having to endure such pain. Life isn't easy, but no one needs to be a victim of it, each and every person on the planet gets a choice. You choose the life you lead in one way or another, and the consequences of those choices are the bounds in which you live. The emotional roller coaster that all of us have been exposed to in relationships has some of the sharpest turns of pain imaginable. But true love is respect. It is the connection between hearts that honors a sacred bond of truth and commitment. Love shouldn't be difficult if it is right. You shouldn't feel uneasy or as if the world can fall out from under you at any moment. It should be the ground with which you can stand confidently, firmly planted.
One love.
-Divided Mind-