The only truthful answer I have for that is..."I don't know".
Right now, I'm caught in the middle of one of my good friends going through a break up...or "taking a break" though I'm not sure what the difference is...since people who get back together after taking a break are never happy once they realized nothing has changed since they decided to take a break in the first place. Her boyfriend right now is basically losing control and has been acting like he doesn't know why they broke up or understand the concept of space at all. He shows up places he knows she would be, keeps trying to talk to her when she isn't ready, all the while completely ignoring what she's told him. If he listened to what she wanted or what she was trying to tell him he wouldn't have so many questions. He's right now feeling like a victim, blaming all of his problems on the world rather than himself and taking responsibility for his actions and playing an active role in his own life.
He keeps acting like nothing is wrong or as if she couldn't possibly understand how HE feels. I'm trying to be there for her...she needs support. Since they took their break he's fallen off the deep end for lack of a better phrase. He's made the whole thing worse for everyone and has even tried contacting me trying to get me to make her talk to him. Ultimately, I know what he wants, he wants the break to be over, he wants her to be back with him and he wants things to go back to the way they were, even though she doesn't want to be with someone who treats her the way he had been treating her.
I'm sure some of you know what it's like to be put in the middle of someone else's breakup and frankly it's a lose lose situation. I made a point of telling him that when SHE was ready she'd talk to him, that in the meantime he needed to give her space that she requested, and to leave me out of it since my involvement will simply not help. He tried manipulating me by asking if I was his friend inferring that if I was I'd make her talk to him. At this point, I believe she could do way better than him, in recent days he's presented a side of himself that neither her nor I even knew he was capable of. He's becoming the creepy stalker ex that most everyone has had some experience with but dutifully put out of their minds.
I guess the part that bothers me in all this is that he doesn't seem to have boundaries. There seems to be nothing he won't do to try and get her to do what he wants her to. And before this breakup, she was unhappy...she didn't feel appreciated, she felt as if he ignored what she cared about, blew her off when she tried talking to him about something or pushed the issue back onto her. He even threatened to hit her and refused to let her leave when she was scared of him. He's jobless, which he blames me for (long story but the short version is that it had nothing to do with me), he doesn't apply himself when it comes to school (he's failed out once before and doesn't seem like he's taking it anymore seriously than before), he has no ambition, he's dishonest with her, controlling, living at his parents house, and seems to have no dedication to changing those things. Not to mention she was sad or angry all of the time because they were constantly fighting. Like I told her, if this isn't the guy you'd marry tomorrow just as things are now, then you need to get out until it changes (which it probably won't for a long time, which I also told her). When you're dating, that's the best it's EVER gonna get, so if you don't love it, move on. This is her first love, so part of her misses him, part of her loves him, and part of her doesn't know if she'll ever find anyone "as good as him". Like I told her, I'll support her no matter what she chooses but at 20 years old she's got plenty of life ahead of her to figure out what she wants and with whom she wants it.
I dated someone very much like the guy I'm describing. I stayed with him for many years because I loved him. Eventually I came to the conclusion that love was simply not enough. It isn't enough to bet your future on. Love doesn't pay the bills, fix the fights, support a family, and all of that is part of being a respectable adult. After I left him, my heart was broken (even though I did the leaving), but I threw myself into my work, my friends, MY life. About 6 months later I met the perfect man. He's honest, funny, respectful, he's very loving, and is committed to our future. He has a good job and provides the security we need to survive. I can talk to him, cry on his shoulder, lean on him, and love him in a way I never knew was possible. I married him this past October and though not every day is perfect, our marriage is. I knew what my life would have been like had I stayed with my ex, and though I love him, I know I couldn't deal with subjecting a family and a future to such turbulence.
I really hope that my friend finds peace in her decision, I hope that she allows herself to find out what's out there in the world for her and finds someone worthy of the person she is. If this guy turns his act around, maybe it could be him.
I suppose I'm writing about all this because I can so easily identify with what she's going through and truly my heart aches that she's having to endure such pain. Life isn't easy, but no one needs to be a victim of it, each and every person on the planet gets a choice. You choose the life you lead in one way or another, and the consequences of those choices are the bounds in which you live. The emotional roller coaster that all of us have been exposed to in relationships has some of the sharpest turns of pain imaginable. But true love is respect. It is the connection between hearts that honors a sacred bond of truth and commitment. Love shouldn't be difficult if it is right. You shouldn't feel uneasy or as if the world can fall out from under you at any moment. It should be the ground with which you can stand confidently, firmly planted.
One love.
-Divided Mind-
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sometimes you just need to say fukidol.
Two days ago I found out that my Aunt died of alcoholism. She was in her mid thirties and within a week of ending up in the hospital...was dead.
It seems that people dying in my life happens in three's. My uncle, also young, died a week before my wedding in October...now my aunt is dead...and to make matters worse my father (who's side of the family has been rapidly leaving this planet), also is sick, I believe, with cancer, though he will not discuss it nor will he see a doctor. His mother, my grandmother, has been in the hospital and has undergone 2 surgeries and while she was doing very well (a milestone for a 93 year old woman), she has taken a turn for the worse.
This year alone I've lost 6 people in my life who've been such a big part of it that having them gone almost seems unreal. For my part, I don't really deal with things, I compartmentalize them, ignore them, never dealing with them...leaving them triggers that are able to intervene at any moment. And it is not as if I'm unaware I'm running away as fast as I can, in truth, I prefer it. Trauma seems like a permanent fixture in my journey in this life, not that I believe I'll ever have another, I do hope I only have to endure living once.
I'm so withdrawn from dealing with things, I actually "check out" and am replaced with "selves". Fragments, of who I am, could be, might be...creative fallacies that are filled with as much emotion as can be experienced by any one person, yet split into many people within my mind. Mac, is responsible for controversial and protective motivations, she lacks insight into what might effect me based on what she does. Though she understands we share the same body, she has convinced herself that any consequence of her actions will fall solely on her, not us, not...them. She's fiercely loyal to those she considers friends, she loves activity, she's funny and out going. In those ways we're not that different, but in others we stand in stark contrast. She is irresponsible, and if we disagree with things she wants to do much like a rebellious teenager, she'll go and do it and refrain from any contact until she's finished. She doesn't have a problem with drugs, I do. And just in case you're wondering, no, there aren't medications available to keep the alters "in". She's a free spirit, who embraces every second as if it was her last and for that I'm a little jealous. Being the most social of all the alters, she is always going out to meet strangers, she has no sense of mortality or danger as she truly believes she could quickly put an end to any foul play. She's so strong...both physically and emotionally.
Most of the time, I feel like I am strong too. Like I can handle anything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. But now...I feel drained. Totally and completely. There are so many things I'd like to work on like: my business, my home, my horse, my life...but I'm just tired. Too tired. I'm usually super independent, driven, social, and for the most part, happy...or at least as happy as I know to be.
But slowly...the drama in my life has begun to weigh me down. And I'll admit I'm not helping matters. I've been avoiding alot of things I should be doing to take care of myself. I've lost touch within myself. I stopped going to therapy, one cancelled appointment because I was exhausted over my grandmother ending up in the hospital and bam, I go AWOL. I guess I feel as if I've got a huge warehouse worth of traumatic crap in my past, and in therapy I'm supposed to open each box, deal with the past, and then put it away so that it doesn't take away from my present after it's been properly "handled". But every time I turn around I feel like someone is dying on me adding only more boxes to the warehouse making it seem impossible to sift through in one lifetime. I feel like something major is always infecting my life. My sanity even... I haven't been calling my best friend because I don't want to cry or sound like a broken record about my life being the shit storm that it seems to be. I've not even mentioned that I, myself, am going to need surgery. 2 in fact, that total will leave me rehabbing my legs for a year. An entire year of my life will be spent with surgeries and recovery. Just as years ago when I injured my back, years, and I do mean years, were taken from me. My dreams to continue my career at Julliard were not just put on hold but abolished. I feel like I'm swirling around in an ocean and every time I stand up to get my footing another wave crashed down on me tearing me from the safety of the shore and drowning me.
I'm sure that there are plenty of people that have it worse than me. But just typing out a small portion of what's been going on in my life leaves me feeling like I need a nap and a hug. How pathetic is that? I guess I don't even know where to start turning things around let alone how.
Maybe the answers will come to me in my dreams....maybe the alters will have ideas....I'm open to anything at this point.
-Divided Mind-
It seems that people dying in my life happens in three's. My uncle, also young, died a week before my wedding in October...now my aunt is dead...and to make matters worse my father (who's side of the family has been rapidly leaving this planet), also is sick, I believe, with cancer, though he will not discuss it nor will he see a doctor. His mother, my grandmother, has been in the hospital and has undergone 2 surgeries and while she was doing very well (a milestone for a 93 year old woman), she has taken a turn for the worse.
This year alone I've lost 6 people in my life who've been such a big part of it that having them gone almost seems unreal. For my part, I don't really deal with things, I compartmentalize them, ignore them, never dealing with them...leaving them triggers that are able to intervene at any moment. And it is not as if I'm unaware I'm running away as fast as I can, in truth, I prefer it. Trauma seems like a permanent fixture in my journey in this life, not that I believe I'll ever have another, I do hope I only have to endure living once.
I'm so withdrawn from dealing with things, I actually "check out" and am replaced with "selves". Fragments, of who I am, could be, might be...creative fallacies that are filled with as much emotion as can be experienced by any one person, yet split into many people within my mind. Mac, is responsible for controversial and protective motivations, she lacks insight into what might effect me based on what she does. Though she understands we share the same body, she has convinced herself that any consequence of her actions will fall solely on her, not us, not...them. She's fiercely loyal to those she considers friends, she loves activity, she's funny and out going. In those ways we're not that different, but in others we stand in stark contrast. She is irresponsible, and if we disagree with things she wants to do much like a rebellious teenager, she'll go and do it and refrain from any contact until she's finished. She doesn't have a problem with drugs, I do. And just in case you're wondering, no, there aren't medications available to keep the alters "in". She's a free spirit, who embraces every second as if it was her last and for that I'm a little jealous. Being the most social of all the alters, she is always going out to meet strangers, she has no sense of mortality or danger as she truly believes she could quickly put an end to any foul play. She's so strong...both physically and emotionally.
Most of the time, I feel like I am strong too. Like I can handle anything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. But now...I feel drained. Totally and completely. There are so many things I'd like to work on like: my business, my home, my horse, my life...but I'm just tired. Too tired. I'm usually super independent, driven, social, and for the most part, happy...or at least as happy as I know to be.
But slowly...the drama in my life has begun to weigh me down. And I'll admit I'm not helping matters. I've been avoiding alot of things I should be doing to take care of myself. I've lost touch within myself. I stopped going to therapy, one cancelled appointment because I was exhausted over my grandmother ending up in the hospital and bam, I go AWOL. I guess I feel as if I've got a huge warehouse worth of traumatic crap in my past, and in therapy I'm supposed to open each box, deal with the past, and then put it away so that it doesn't take away from my present after it's been properly "handled". But every time I turn around I feel like someone is dying on me adding only more boxes to the warehouse making it seem impossible to sift through in one lifetime. I feel like something major is always infecting my life. My sanity even... I haven't been calling my best friend because I don't want to cry or sound like a broken record about my life being the shit storm that it seems to be. I've not even mentioned that I, myself, am going to need surgery. 2 in fact, that total will leave me rehabbing my legs for a year. An entire year of my life will be spent with surgeries and recovery. Just as years ago when I injured my back, years, and I do mean years, were taken from me. My dreams to continue my career at Julliard were not just put on hold but abolished. I feel like I'm swirling around in an ocean and every time I stand up to get my footing another wave crashed down on me tearing me from the safety of the shore and drowning me.
I'm sure that there are plenty of people that have it worse than me. But just typing out a small portion of what's been going on in my life leaves me feeling like I need a nap and a hug. How pathetic is that? I guess I don't even know where to start turning things around let alone how.
Maybe the answers will come to me in my dreams....maybe the alters will have ideas....I'm open to anything at this point.
-Divided Mind-
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