In alot of ways the past 6 months of my life have been the most difficult and painful of my life.
After the loss of my grandmother I threw myself into my work, full time. Investing all of my energy on the only thing I knew that could coax my mind away from the aching sense of loss and loneliness that would creep in. Like many people, I have very fond memories of my grandmother while I grew up, but once my parents moved out of state, I can count on one hands the times I'd actually gotten to see her on one hand. We maintained our relationship through cards, phone calls, flowers on holidays and her birthday, etc. but I always missed being near her. I've never before attempted to actually go through the grieving process despite countless losses of friends and family over the past several years. I have never attended a funeral, mostly because when my emotions are running high it makes it easier for the alters to jump in and "handle" things.
In a manner of speaking, they've prevented me from experiencing plenty of normal feelings in the past which has only lended itself to causing me to battle with severe depression when they don't take over. To be clear, I am a strong woman, determined in nearly every way, but the alters have the very unique ability to strip me of my thick skin and leave me with raw emotions and what is sometimes irreparable damage. When my grandmother died it disarmed me...it left me feeling isolated and numb to everything.
Of course the alters began filling all my "free" time up with their own activities. Which is never good. Ava, the sex-a-holic got herself a boyfriend and caused what I now refer to as the downward spiral of my once "perfect" marriage. Within four months I went from a happily married woman to seriously considering the realistic possibility that I single-handedly
tanked the only healthy relationship I'd ever had. Even though they aren't me, their crimes against a relationship would send any man heading for the hills I suppose. Or at least that's how I felt after everything began to explode around me in my life. My husband knew about the alters and of their manipulative techniques but neither of us saw any of this coming. It was like a freight train was running right through our relationship and neither of us had a prayer in heading it off course.
Not only were they calling and texting this person but they were also planning to meet with him on a recent trip that I took. That didn't happen thank God.
No matter what we did or said, Ava could not be swayed. She was set on having her boyfriend and ending my relationship. She would lie to my husband's face about who she'd talked to and about what...she couldn't be trusted. Problem is, as time goes on, the alters get wise to the game and get better at hiding and unfortunately if they want to, they can make it look like I'm the guilty cheating wife, not them.
Thankfully, on my trip nothing happened. Instead it gave my husband and I time apart to figure out how or if we could continue staying together in this relationship, which we desperately needed.
The boyfriend is now out of the picture and has been for a short while now due to his own personal life drama. And I'm left with the painful collection of emotions one gets when going through a very emotional breakup. Because of their affection for this man, my emotions are tied to theirs and now I can feel everything they do, when they do. I hate it, every last second of it, because no matter how hard I try, I can't turn it off. I want to. God I want to. I want to free myself from the confines of their broken heart and go about my day as if it doesn't hurt but it does. All of it.
In an effort to gain control of my life and of my alters I've decided to begin working on fully integrating.
A year ago, I wouldn't have bothered to attempt it, but now that my priorities have shifted and I have a husband's feelings to consider it didn't seem right to not try.
I want to have a normal life with my husband and at some point children, I can't have one of my alters going out and partying all night or trying to hook up with some schmuck. I need to take back some of the power I'd given up to them so easily in times of stress, even unintentionally. Now I'm readily dealing with things in my life, allowing myself to feel, processing things on my own, and I do what I can to protect myself, so I don't need them to do those things for me any longer.
Of course, I realize it won't be fair to give them no free time out at all, but there will be rules and consequences if the rules are broken.
Ava needs boundaries.
It's so hard to keep them in, even when they're not actively trying to come out I can feel them almost popping out. I've been so drained from working on it that most of my days end in migraines or with my curled up in a ball trying to re cooperate.
I live every single minute of my life one second at a time. It's all I can do to survive the emotional hurricanes that seem to blow through so often.
I'm trying to make some new friends to create a support system for myself, but it's not without risk, no one will find out about the alters if I can avoid it, I have a good reputation and name to uphold and, as of late, both are still intact.
My life needs to be MY LIFE.
I think that's worth fighting for.
-Divided Mind-
